For me, growing up wasn't the easiest. I was what a lot of people would consider introverted, shy, soft spoken, whatever you want to call it — and because of this, I really did not have the easiest time in school, in public, or in general.
Starting in grade school, I had very few friends. I colored by myself and interacted with kids on the playground, but I honestly would have rather been at home where it was okay for me to isolate myself. I don't think I really understood how much I hated being put into social situations until I was in the second or third grade when my teachers started making comments to my parents about how they were worried that I didn't ask questions in class. I was scared to look stupid in front of my classmates, so instead of speaking up when I didn't understand something, I held it in and faked my way through it. It was awful. I felt trapped in my own mind and at one point I broke down crying in my fourth-grade class because of a long division quiz. It's one of the most scarring experiences I had as a child.
I found it very anxiety inducing when I would have to speak in front of the class, to the point where I'd beg my mom not to send me to school. It got so bad that in the seventh grade, I skipped various days of school because my locker would stick and I was petrified of having to ask the janitor for help. I cried and begged and pleaded with her, and looking back on it, I felt so helpless. I ended up going back and they fixed my locker, but I was always subconsciously scared that it would stick again. I know it's a small issue, but to me, I might as well have been sleeping on a bed of nails, there was no way in hell I could do it.
Between then and high school, I was bullied heavily; not necessarily because of my quiet nature, but it got worse due to my inability to speak up. I was called names, harassed, and even physically assaulted by girls that claimed to be my friends, and because it wasn't easy for me to make friends, I put up with it. I didn't want to lose my so-called friends because I "couldn't take a joke." For almost two years I put up with being called fat, ugly, weird, stupid and things so awful I couldn't even tell my mom when I got home crying. I felt numb to life and I was only 12 or 13.
In high school, things got better. I wasn't bullied, and I found myself making a stable base of friends that I still communicate with today. I still hated presentations and group work but I used sarcasm and my cynicism to make people laugh and get through it. I'd get a lot of remarks like "Oh wow I didn't know you cursed," or "Holy crap you're funny!" There was even the occasional, "I didn't know you spoke." I got that, though. I knew I wasn't all that approachable, but I didn't want people approaching me honestly. Of course, that came back to bite me in the ass when it came to dances and dating. I never once got asked out by someone who I hadn't already met and spoke to over messages first, and I knew I was on my own to go to homecoming and prom. I went my freshman year with my boyfriend, not at all my sophomore year because I hadn't been asked, homecoming my junior year with a long time family friend, and my senior homecoming with a guy I had just started dating. Girls I knew were getting asked by guys and I knew I wasn't ever going to have that, so it was kind of just an acceptance I made.
At the end of my sophomore year, I became very depressed, lost a lot of weight and kind of just stopped caring about myself. I tried to voice this to people but of course, there was the backlash of "she's trying to get attention." So I silently suffered instead.
By my senior year, things were easier by insane standards. I had plenty of friends, I was more comfortable with my teachers, felt like opening up in classes, and was able to graduate early in December because of my grades. I honestly thought I'd made tremendous improvements, but I still had a long way to go.
Now that I'm in my first year of college, I still have problems putting myself out there to people. I struggle with new people and groups but I'm working on it. It wasn't easy to grow up the way I did. I had myself, but I think that was one of the best things; I was able to get to know myself before I had to put myself in front of anyone else. Those hours I spent locked up in my room alone helped me to get to understand who I am as a person, and I think that's something a lot of people my age are still trying to do.
