I struggled for a few days wondering if I should write this or not. You see this article in particular deals with something I've personally gone through lately. I know that I am really putting myself out on the line by writing this, but I feel like it's something relevant that we don't talk about often, and it's about heartbreak. I know what you're thinking: people write about heartbreaks all the time; however, this is a different type of heartbreak. This is the kind of heartbreak that the person that broke your heart doesn't realize they did, and you know they would never actually mean to because they are honestly one of the most harmless people you know.

I had been interested in this one guy for a long time. When I say long, I mean this went on for well over a year. This guy was by no means perfect, in fact, when I first was introduced to him I didn't care about getting to know him at all. He was just some other guy passing through that I wouldn't think about much ever again, except... I did, and I thought about him often.

He was just about everything I could've hoped for. He loves Jesus and willingly serves Him. He is passionate about children and wants to work with them in ministry. He likes to goof around and is even pretty sarcastic, but when it comes time to be serious: he is. He is also very dedicated, hard working, honest, humble, and so trustworthy. He has things about him that sometimes get on my nerves, but nothing could outweigh all the good he has to offer. If my family could've hand picked someone for me it would've been someone just like this. I knew he was going to be someone I wanted to pursue.

After a while, it felt this guy was never going to be interested in me. I kept telling myself I just wasn't enough for him. Then I realized that it wasn't that I wasn't good enough, but it was just that I wasn't what he needed: and I was okay with that. It wasn't until later on that the real heartbreak set in, and here's how:

I can't remember when things started to change in our friendship, all I know is somewhere along the line, I felt more comfortable around him. Here I was daily confiding in him about all my issues. I was going to him when I needed prayer. I literally was spending half of my week with him, and yet I was also still finding reasons to call him. He's a pretty reserved guy, but after a while, it felt like he was starting to get slightly flirty. Then, I heard something that got me feeling super hopeful. One of my friends came to me telling me this guy had been talking about a girl. All the things he heard made him think it was me, and I got super happy. I even started asking the guy I liked directly questions about this girl, to which he vaguely responded, but I was almost sure he was talking about me... it wasn't later until I found out that it wasn't me, but rather someone else.

When I first found out it wasn't me, I was crushed, and all the painful questions ran through my head like who is this girl? When did he meet her? What's wrong with me? It was overwhelming, to say the least. Then I had to ask myself: why did this hurt me more than actual relationships I had been in?

I remember when I found out my last boyfriend was cheating on me. It was an awful break-up, and I cried of course, but after a few hours, I was fine. I never cried over him again, yet, here I am, tearing up over some guy that had never been more than my friend. With my ex, I was able to get mad and eventually forget about it. That's when I realized why this was so hard: it's because I had nothing to get angry at. This guy had done nothing wrong to me, in fact, he probably to this day doesn't realize that I was heartbroken over him at all. All I had was sadness knowing that I wasn't the one that was going to be with him, after all, the time I had invested in him, and that was hard to swallow.

That's the thing, sometimes really awesome guys break our hearts, and it's not because they have any intention of doing so. They aren't wrong for not being attracted to us, it's just hard for us to accept it. It was especially hard seeing him for the first time in person since I had come to the realization that he now had a girl in his life. I couldn't bring myself to go up and talk to him, which isn't like me at all. I always have something to say, and if not, I make up something, but that night... I couldn't come up with a single word. I didn't even say hey. I ended up leaving early that night from where we were and heading home without saying much to anyone. To make matters worse, he called me that night, and I couldn't answer when any other time I would've answered and probably talk for hours. Then he texted me just to see if I was alright... which only made things so much harder, because I knew he still cared about me as a person, but he just wasn't interested in me.

At the point that I'm writing this, I'm still working on figuring out how in the world I'm going to find a way to be okay. (Read farther down for the update). When you put this much effort into something just to watch it fail, it's really hard to bounce back. I can't find closure right now because I can't discuss it with who it's directly involved with. I'm really not looking forward to the day that I might meet this girl, and face all that hurt again. Through all of this, though, as hard as it was, I have learned a hard, yet very valuable lesson. Just because something looks like everything we could ever want and need, it doesn't mean it's going to be ours. For all, I know God could have bigger plans for my life. I just have to be patient and wait on His timing.

Right now I'm still hurting, but one day I'm going to look back and appreciate this hurt in my life. For now I'm just going to be thankful that this guy that I care so much about is happy, because that's enough to make me smile.

**UPDATE**

It's been almost a month since I first began dealing with this, and I just want to say... it gets a lot easier. Of course I wish things could've been different... but I have hope in the Lord and His plan for my life. Just because this guy didn't work out, doesn't mean things will never work out for me. I've backed up a bit from our friendship so I could focus on me, and it has done me so much good.