At the end of every year, I try to think of a common theme to summarize it. Thinking back through the months and even right now at the end of December I'm realizing 2018 was a year of nos for me, and maybe it was for you too. As discouraging and depressing as that sounds, shockingly it did not drastically affect my attitude towards the upcoming year of 2019.

... OK, yeah, just kidding. It did.

I mean you have to be an extremely strong person to take the feeling of "not being/feeling good enough" lightly. In those moments of being told no I couldn't help but start to wonder "What's wrong with me?" Or "Why aren't I good enough for anything?" Or even worse, "Why am I here?" and "What's my purpose on this earth?" If that is you reading this, and you suddenly are remembering all the times you were told "No" this year.

Please KNOW one thing: All those times God told you "No" does not mean you are not good enough.

It doesn't mean that you do not have a purpose here. After constant prayer and crying out to The Lord for answers as to why he told me "No" all year, it hit me. God's "Nos" usually carry a heavier and deeper meaning. They usually underlyingly mean "Not right now" or they eventually lead you to find your "Yes." So yes, you were told no a lot in 2018. But, keep in mind because you were told "No" all year, 2019 will finally be your "YES" year!

Another thing I began to pick up on while remembering all the times he told me No this year was that every time he said "No" or things did not go my way it was for something I did not pray about or ask him about first. No was always the answer to things that I planned and things I wanted this year, not even thinking about what he wanted for me. Turns out some of these things and situations, if not all of them, ended up being incredibly toxic or things that I needed more help with before I did them.

If you are like me and are in a season of "No" or coming out of one demanding answers from God as to why he said no, chances are he is either protecting you or preparing you for your "Yes."

The first "No" I received in 2018 was the hardest one. It wasn't immediate. God gave me some time of rest for the first few months of 2018. I like to think that during this time God was trying to get my attention and also trying to see if I would figure it out myself first. My relationship ended. After roughly ten months of falling in love, picturing the future with this person, making all sorts of plans God suddenly said "No." I was blindsided because I thought he was saying "Yes" the whole time. But, it turns out I was listening more to my conscious and the world around me rather than God himself. This "No" broke my heart. This is a "No" that took me months to heal from and took every day to try and understand the "why" behind the "no."I just couldn't wrap my head around why God knew this guy wasn't "the one."

It is amazing how God, months later, showed me the why behind it all. My ex and I's breakup was in May, So a little deeper into 2018. Mine and his relationship were beginning to show signs of being toxic in about April but I was so blindsided by love I refused to see them. God, the one who was able to see my heart and his realized that it was toxic and told finally me "No" as soon as I started listening. After the breakup both of us were miserable. So miserable that we talked every day about getting back together and tried to ignore the answer God had already given me. If you've ever been told "No" by God you know that there is nothing you can do to change his answer. One day, shortly after, my ex stopped texting me, calling me and wouldn't answer my calls. In 2018 terms "he ghosted me."

Here is a food for thought ladies and gentlemen, ever thought that when you get "ghosted" by a guy/girl it is God telling you no to that person and doing it in a subtle way? After about two weeks of no contact with my ex, it was to my surprise I start seeing him with another girl on social media. The sick part was, he was 100% sure when we broke up that I was going to be the first to move on. That he was so heartbroken and devastated that he would never find someone else quicker than me and made me feel guilty for it. When in reality, his heart wasn't broken at all. though he made it seem that way, it couldn't have been because he moved on so quick. Just then I had a moment. The final "Ah-ha! That's why God told me 'No.'" Jesus saw his heart and saw that he never had the intentions he told me he did, to begin with.

Outside of relationships, I received a few more "Nos." Things and situations such as trying to find a job because I was stressed about my financial situation at the end of the spring semester. Realizing that God told me "No" to all these summer jobs I applied for because he wanted me in ministry over the summer. He wanted to teach me, prepare me, and draw me closer to him during the summer. So, with all those nos came the big "Yes" to a ministry summer intern position that changed my life and that God took care of me mentally, emotionally and financially during.

Entering the fall semester, I changed my environment. I transferred schools to start fresh hoping for some "yes" moments. I made tons of friends almost immediately. I felt as if I finally found my "girl group" after never having one since high school. Eventually, I found myself crying on my bedroom floor because God told me "no" again to those friends. This "No" was clear but I tried my best to ignore it. I loved these girls. I had so much fun with them at tailgates, slumber parties, and all the typical college girl shenanigans. It was when I decided that the partying lifestyle that we all were living wasn't for me everything changed. I expressed that my life was going to see some changes, but told them I would still be their friend, would never judge them, but wasn't willing to go out on the weekends.

After that, our friendship went downhill which is what symbolized to me God saying "No." They stopped inviting me to get food. They started a new group chats without me in it. They kind of did the same thing my ex did, "ghosted" me. God said clearly to me as I cried my eyes out on the floor asking for the why again, "I am telling you no to these people because they are not ready to go where I am taking you." This made so much sense. These girls didn't want to go to church with me. These girls mocked me for trying to live as a Christian (the right way.) God basically said, that as my relationship with him was about to hit a growth spurt and theirs wasn't. It all made sense when immediately after he put some people in my life that evidently and openly love him, worship him and live for him like I was trying to do.

The last "No" I received was from the church itself that I had gotten involved in. I attended four steps of "training classes" through my church to launch me onto one of their teams to get involved serving. And really to my surprise was told "No" again. After leading worship at my home church occasionally, leading worship at my previous church at my previous University, and leading worship over the summer during the internship, I thought worship would be the one thing that ended my year with a "YES."

So I auditioned and prayed. I got the call and was once again told "No." This one confused me. I said to God "Dude, this is the area you've always called me to before. Why not now?" And God responded, this one is not a complete "no" it is a "not right now." He said one thing that brought me so much peace "I want to teach you some more things before you serve here. This "no" is to help you "grow."

With that, I realized that as many "Nos" as I received in 2018 that they were going to lead me to my yeses in 2019. I began to think:

God will tell me YES to the right man.

God will tell me YES to the right Job.

And God will tell me YES to the right area of ministry I need to serve in.

I realized that all these "Nos" in 2018 were to prepare me and protect me.

PRAYER: So God, if you're listening now, I know you say "No" because you are the only one who "Knows" what's best. But, please help me find my YES in 2019. As much as I hate the answer "No," please keep telling me "No" to protect and prepare me. Without your "No" who knows where I'd be. If I know one thing for sure it is that your ways are better than my ways. Your thoughts are higher than my thoughts. And I know that I can try to plan my way all I want but you will direct my steps and you do that by telling me "No" every once in a while.