I find myself often reminiscing back to the so called "good old days," as a lot of us often do. Often finding myself questioning the direction I chose to take for my life and all of the life choices that brought me to this exact place I am. The place I am not only physically located on a map but also the place I am spiritually, internally, and emotionally. It's pretty ironic that I regretted some of my life choices that brought me to where I am today but I also think of all of those decisions as some of the best memories of my life. Until I realized I was completely wrong about those idealisms of the "good old days" when I was a free spirit.
I went through a period where I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and to be honest I still don't have it all figured out. I decided to do what I did best and flap my free spirited wings and wing it. I was carefree! I woke up each day literally thinking whatever happens, happens. I hate to say it but that annoying song "Young, Wild, and Free" by Snoop Dog probably could have been my theme song. I was fearless or so my mind liked to tell me I was. I didn't fear not knowing what was next, my next move that particular minute, what direction my life was going, or even things I should be afraid of like putting myself in danger or even dying. I know it sounds extreme but I was trying to "live life to the fullest" with zero regret and had this mentality that if I died tomorrow I would be happy with the life I lived. But I didn't know what "living life to the fullest" really meant nor did I care to try to figure it out, I was a free spirit.
My free spirited life brought a lot of sense of empowerment to me. I could finally break free of my label of being the "people pleaser" and the thought that I had to try to make everyone happy. I was known for letting people walk all over me. In middle school a group of my friends did a "Burn Book" (Mean Girls obviously influenced this) and I was the "doormat". Once I graduated high school I made the decision that I was not going to try to make people happy anymore. I wanted to be a free spirit and do whatever I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. Or even make the decision to not do whatever I didn't want to do. In doing so I ended up not caring about anyone or anything which made me very selfish and very reckless. But I was a free spirit.
My life consisted of late night walks alone in downtown Nashville, stopping in to try to listen to all the live performers and blending in as another face in the crowd. Spending my money on useless things just because I had money to spend. Walking on ledges of bridges, driving fast on back roads, staying up late and sleeping all day, and ignoring my friends who cared about me. Skipping my classes and even exams. Quitting college and not caring if I ever went back to finish. Being consumed in an unhealthy relationship that everyone I loved warned me about. Being isolated by said boyfriend and making up excuses that the unhealthy relationship was okay. I was living the life, right? Doing whatever I want when I want to, letting whatever happen happen, and being carefree. I was a free spirit.
At this point in my life I hurt a lot of people very near and dear to me. When I say I was reckless I don't just mean with my own life and decisions. I was reckless with the hearts and emotions of those who love me the most. I made decisions not taking into consideration how the people I loved would feel. I even made decisions knowing how they felt and still doing things I knew would hurt them. I had this mindset that I was not going to let anyone else control my life but in reality I was out of control myself. But I was a free spirit.
It took a life changing event to literally make me change my free spirited mentality and ways. In the first second I knew my life was changing I felt like I was not in control of my life anymore. I was yearning for my free spirit because I was scared, hurt, lost, and didn't know what to do. Free spirited people are not suppose to conform, have a carefree mentality, and be fearless, right? But at that moment in time I found out not only did I have to start being responsible with my own life but I was responsible for creating a life for another person, that person being my son. He changed my life.
Now my life consists of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, playing ball and trucks, working full time, going to college again, and family time. I focus on the moments that bring laughter, love, smiles, and joy! My life can be stressful and crazy at times which is why I found myself yearning for my free spirit but now I realize I was wrong about the "good old days" all along. I live a life full of beautiful, breath taking moments now and even the stressful days are worth it because I am building a better life and future for my family. Making every single day worth looking back one day with a huge smile on my face thinking about all of these precious memories. I can now confidently say that these days and moments we are living right now are THE good old days!
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