I’ll be honest, this week has been rough. My anxiety was being a special kind of jerk and sleep did not come easy if it came at all. I struggled – hard. I tried to vent a bit but it wasn’t good enough because no matter how many times I told myself that I was overthinking and everything would blow over, there was still always an issue.
I was being cruel to myself because I believed that no matter what I did, I’d never be enough. I poured my all into school, work, and friendships and came out frustrated with some of the responses. I didn’t feel like I did enough, like I was smart enough, pretty enough, or nice enough – I felt like no matter what I did, everything was going to feel wrong.
I spent my days piling on things to do or trying to spend some time chatting with friends, but when the lights were off and I was by myself in the quiet of my room, it all came back. I was frustrated because I knew it was the anxiety speaking, not me, but its voice was so loud and so convincing that I felt defeated.
As I write this, I’m still trying to convince myself of these words. I’m still trying to tell myself that I am smart enough, even though lately I’ve struggled to make coherent sentences. I’m smart enough and I only think I’m not because I once surrounded myself with people who made me feel like I wasn’t.
I’ll be successful because I’m good enough. Even on those days where I can’t even think of where to start writing or when people tell me I’ll never go far because who’s going to care about what I write about? I’ll be okay.
I’m not a horrible person or a horrible friend. Yes, I’ve failed my friends at times – but as long as the good outweighs the bad, as long as I try, as long as I recognized when I’ve failed and make amends – I’ll be enough.
It’s hard to quiet the dissenting voices, it’s harder to convince yourself they’re not true, but just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s impossible. When you feel like you’re not enough, take a breath, if you have to vent – vent, if you need to just check out from the world, do. But always remember that no matter what: you are enough.
