When Does Goodbye Get Easier?

Well, it really doesn't.

My boyfriend and I had to transition to a long distance relationship last August. This is really different for us because up to that point we've seen each other almost every day for five and a half years. With the exception of when I started college last year while he was a senior in high school, then we would sometimes not see each other for five days at a time, but still, that was rare.

His school is the University of Northwestern Ohio in Lima, Ohio. Ten hours away from my school in Potsdam, NY.

The First Goodbye.

All summer I was preparing myself for when he left. I looked up apps for long distance relationships and took a gazillion pictures and videos of him like I was going to forget the color of his hair.

When the day came, I was oddly okay. I mean, as okay as I could've been. I did tear up but I didn't bawl my eyes out. It was alright. I knew he'd be home in four weeks for a short break. I was ready to hear about his adventure, I was excited for him.

A few weeks passed and I started back up at Clarkson and was finishing up my summer job at a campground. There was a lot going on in my world. I was occupied. It wasn't that I didn't miss him like crazy because I defiantly did, but I wasn't able to sit and just drown in missing him.

The Second Goodbye

Finally, his break came and we went up to Alex Bay with my family and we had a great weekend.

I was so happy to see him, but before actually seeing him I was nervous. After being together for nearly 6 years and never spending a whole month apart I was scared one of us would change. A month isn't long, but he had gone to a new place and met new people. He was doing new things and experiencing these things without me. I was scared. But as soon as I walked outside my dorm to see him walking up the pathway it was like we hadn't spent a second apart. Everything was just as we left if, except now he had more stories and so did I.

This first time he came home, I realized that distance really doesn't matter when you're in love. Everything you had before they left, you still have the second you see their face again. If the foundation of the relationship was strong enough, then nothing vital will change.

The second goodbye was harder than the first, but not by a lot. This time when I hugged him goodbye, a few tears fell and I was definitely crying, just not bawling. At this point, I knew what it was like to miss him for a month, and now I had to miss him for a month and a half because he wouldn't be back until Thanksgiving. I knew if was going to be harder this time, especially since he was missing Halloween with me and I love Halloween.

I knew what missing him felt like and that made the goodbye so much harder, but I pushed through and started another countdown.

The Third Goodbye

Thanksgiving was a crazy busy break. I took a million pictures and videos of him because the last time I ran out of photos to stare at. Once it was time to say goodbye again, it wasn't a terrible one. I cried just as much as the last once but I knew he'd be back in 3 weeks and compared to the last one this was nothing. I used the pictures and videos I took to make my own little movie of our thanksgiving break together, it was nice to have something to watch when I had bad days.

The Fourth Goodbye.

Finally, two days before Christmas he was back. We smashed some cookie making and tree decorating in those 2 days and had a busy holiday weekend.

This time he was home for 11 days. Since this break was longer we started to really get back into our old routines. Not that anything really changed but we just got used to being back together. So the day that he went back just kind of crept up on us without warning. It felt like he was home for good this time, but that day did come and yet another goodbye was on its way.

This one stung.

Real bad, like worse than a bee sting and those hurt.

I knew this time his next break wasn't for another 3 months, making it the longest time we'll be apart. He'll miss the day that marks 6 years since we met, Valentine's day and the most unfortunate, our 6 year anniversary.

This was the hardest goodbye of them all. Our usual 10-15 minutes goodbye turned into a half an hour. 30 minutes of me crying and then not crying and asking for one more hug and then crying again as soon as his arms went around me.

But why were the goodbyes getting harder? Wouldn't I be used to this by now? Shouldn't they get easier because it's the same thing every time?

Nope. It's not the same every time.

The first time I had to say goodbye, I was fine. I was fine because I didn't know what it was like to miss him. I don't mean miss him like "oh I miss you so much but I just saw you yesterday" miss him. I mean missing him like I never knew you could miss someone, like being homesick.

The first time I was fine because I was just saying "Enjoy your adventure!", this time I was saying "Hurry back home". The first time I was excited for him to start a journey and to learn more about what he loves. This last time I wasn't fine because I found out how much it actually sucks to not be doing this journey together. Neither of our schools accommodates both of our majors. It's not possible for us to have our paths intertwine. But as much as I wish they could, I'm even more thankful that they don't.

It's not that I don't want him home, but the distance makes our experiences double. We both have different stories to tell to each other, we both will learn double the lessons. Anything that he learns while away, he'll tell me and vice versa. It's a blessing in a wicked disguise, but it's a silver lining nonetheless.

While the goodbyes will just get harder, and the "I miss you"s will just feel worse; our wisdom and our relationship will do nothing but grow and mature. For that I am thankful.

I know eventually there will be a day that he comes home for good and I won't have to say goodbye again. But until then, I know that all these goodbyes are worth every tear because he's getting closer to his dreams and that's all I want. All I've wanted since I was 13 was for our dreams to come true, and with every hug and see you later we are one step closer.

So, for now, I'll let the goodbyes get worse because, in the end, they're helping our relationship become stronger.