From a young age we have always been taught to “treat others the way you want to be treated,” “be kind to everybody,” “sharing is caring,” and “be the bigger person.” We are taught to share our toys, and say sorry if we’re having conflict with someone else, to turn the other cheek if someone is being mean, to ignore it so it will go away. Being respectful of people and keeping a level head, especially when in high tense situations, allows for conflicts to be more easily resolved.
But when does being respectful and polite turn into allowing people to push you around?
Putting people above yourself is seen as virtuous, but in reality can be dangerous to your mental health if not balanced. Our society teaches us, at the same time they teach us how to read and count, how to be nice and polite and avoid confrontation—how to be the bigger person in strained situations.
For a society focused on the individual—in individual success or individual work—we concentrate more on how we should treat others and less how we should treat ourselves. It’s as if we have to put everybody’s thoughts and feelings over our own.
This isn’t a rant to become selfish and stop caring about other people, it’s an article about knowing the importance of self-love and self-care. Of giving yourself the importance you deserve in your life.
Sadly, you will encounter people in life that won’t like you, that will not be nice, that may actually go out of their way to be nasty or cruel to you. This can take the form of bullies, people who are ‘fake,’ someone who is able to hold power or control over you, or an abuser.
Normally if someone is bothering you and you seek help, you will be given the advice “ignore it until it goes away.” And if you’re anything like me, that will be your motto so as not to let them get to you, so as not give them the satisfaction of seeing your reaction. It’s not until things escalate, normally to some sort of physical violence, that people begin to tell you your importance and that you should speak up. But normally these are the same people saying to take the non-physical abuse because it’s no big deal.
If you do choose to do something about it before it escalates, you are normally seen as dramatic, selfish, or an attention whore, but really, you’re just tired. You’re tired of trying to stay silent because it’s better not to draw attention to the problem, tired of thinking that if you don’t say anything it’ll go away, tired of feeling small anytime your efforts at being respectful go ignored.
I’ve always prided myself on my morals and my ability to understand when I’m being illogical about a situation. In the situation of conflict between myself and someone else this idea has transformed into respect everyone no matter what. This idea has been tested and I’m happy to say I can’t think of any situation that I have not followed through with this. I’ll extend olive branches to those I have tension with, when being told I can “tell what [I] really think about this person” by someone wanting dirt, I’ve been able to express that if I have something to say I’ll say it to said person without an audience.
But lately, I noticed that I will keep to this ideal of mine and certain people will abuse it and assume it means I’m weak. Instead of a solution, trying to be the bigger person turned into taking the rumors and intimidation and trash talk behind my back in silence so as not to inconvenience anyone. I took it as my responsibility to control their actions towards me and in a way, I started victim blaming myself.
There have been several times where I have decided confronting someone about starting a rumor, or reporting someone because of their behavior, or exposing bullying behavior towards me was not the right thing to do. That the right thing to do was ignore it until it went away or not tell people because I was better than letting their actions get a reaction out of me. Little by little, the silence ate at my self-esteem because these people would not stop talking about me, would not stop insulting me, would not stop intimidating me because I had not to put a stop it. It took a lot of time and breakdowns and questioning my self-worth to realize that I needed to say something before my silence was taken advantage of.
And what better way to be heard than to write?
It was difficult to choose to put my own experience in here, because I worried I would come off as holier than thou or whiny, but my intention for this article is to let the people know who are in these situations that you and what you’re feeling is important.
My experiences are with “mean girls” in high school and a person in a position of power who enjoyed using intimidation tactics. But while these situations may seem small, the power play is the same as with bullying, abuse of power, or abusive relationships. We, as a society, have to put a stop to this victim blaming culture we have and that starts with small interactions.
If you’re having constant difficulties with someone and it seems to not be stopping, report them, confront them, tell a parent or a grownup, tell a friend, whatever your way of making sure this behavior doesn’t hurt your mental health.
I’m not saying get even; I’m saying no more. No more silencing yourself because of fear of confrontation. No more victim blaming from any side.
No more feeling small because you’re trying to be the bigger person.
If you believe you or anyone you know is being bullied and would like more resources click here.
If you believe you or anyone you know is in an abusive relationship and would like help click here .
