For the majority of my life I dreaded the end of the summer and looked forward to never having a “back to school”. I remember getting so mad at the back to school television ads and crying my eyes out every last day of summer. However going back to college each year was much different because I liked what I was going back to. I was going back to my livelihood and my friends, and as much as I love summer and being at the shore, I was honestly never sad to start a semester. This summer has been a surreal mix of various emotions because aside from filling out endless job applications, I have not been doing any activities that I had not done in past summers. It has not even felt like I graduated yet to be honest. It just has not sunken in. It still feels like I'll be going back in September. However I know the moment it will sink in and that will be September 3rd. On September 3rd when students move into school and campus life starts back up I will not be part of it, and that is when it is really going to hit me hard.
Currently however the feeling of not having a back to school is just strange. I have more then once wandered into the back to school section at target and thought to myself, what do I need? Only to remember that I need not one school supply because for me a new school year is not happening. I am honestly pretty sad about it for the most part. I know that time stands still for no man and that technically this is progression and I should just be happy that I was able to achieve such a milestone, but I really have not smiled once about no longer being a college student. I think what really surprises me the most is that I have been very jealous towards the friends I have who are going back to school. This might be petty to admit but it really is true.
However I often ponder during the day as to whether or not I am really upset to not being going back to school or if I am so upset because my job hunt has been a failure thus far. I have come to the conclusion that it is a mixture of both. Even though the people around me are telling me that work life is horrible, which also does not help, I feel incomplete and bored to currently have such an empty life. I was at my happiest when I had a full class schedule, two part time jobs, two internships and was a member of various campus organizations all at the same time. I may have not have had time to do much else but I was happy because I was extremely productive and I was able to communicate and work with people who I really liked.
For the past couple of months it has not been that way at all. It's just been a void of nothingness. Everyone else I know is busy being productive, meeting new people, going exciting places, and I just here alone in a place I never liked, sending out applications. So to put it simply life without a “back to school” despite how excited I was in middle school for this is both strange and daunting.
