It’s strange to think about this, but by the time one has lived a good, long life, I bet they’ve given over 100 names. In saying this I’m counting babies, pets, vehicles and whatever else it is that you like to name. I can already think of a dozen or so names I have given just counting cows and vehicles. I have not had the privilege of naming either a pet or a human child yet but I hope to one day. For now, I’ll just stick to naming cars, tractors, and a few cows.

Giving names can be a lot of fun. For instance, one of our past dogs was named after my favorite dog from a book series my dad would read to me when I was very young known as Hank the Cowdog. My favorite character was Hank’s sidekick, Drover. Currently our dogs are named Alan and Eve. Alan is named after a movie character from The Hangover for no other reason than because dad liked that movie. Eve is named after an actress, Alice Eve, who has two different colored eyes because she (Eve) also has two different colored eyes. I have a list of dog names ready for when it’s time for the next two dogs on the farm and it will be only me living out there by then so I will get to name them on my own so nobody can overrule me on names. The list includes: Lycan (the werewolves from Underworld), Lola (mostly from a song by The Kinks, this is a side point, but if you’re bored sometime look up what that song is really about), Hannibal (a Carthaginian General from History, also, if either of my older sisters had been a boy, this would have been there middle name), and finally Jack and Diane (from my all-time favorite song).

Sticking with naming animals, sometimes people ask me if we name all of our cows. We do not, and the person who asked me is usually disappointed to hear this. We do give some names though, usually based on something about the cow’s appearance or behavior. A few of my favorite examples are:

Wild Thing - Because she was wild.

1-horn - She has one horn.

The Happy Panda - He face colorations of black and white are similar to that of a panda.

Creamy - That’s what color she is. (She is also a Twitter superstar, FYI.)

KMA - Quote from my father, John, “because she wants to Kick My @$$”

Freckles - Because she has freckles.

Dolly - When we bought her, the brand release (which usually just has a number) said “Dolly.”

Lisa - This is my mother’s name. According to dad he gave a cow this name because, “she’s my favorite cow.” What a suck up.

Fugly - This is obviously the meanest one, but she is indeed F’n Ugly.

Calves also often earn names, such as “Dumbo,” for having big ears, “Legs,” for having long legs, “Glasses,” for having spots around both eyes, “Hoover,” for always being there to clean up when we spill some feed, “Junior,” because he never leaves his mother’s side, and so on.

We always have in the neighborhood of 70-75 cows and calves around, so naming every single one of them and remembering those names would be difficult. Most of them are identified with an ear tag. Bulls, on the other hand, are a different story. We never have more than three of them at a time. So naming them has become a bit of a family sport. Right now the names of our bulls are Phil, Thad, and Ron Burgundy. If you can figure out which three movies those are characters from, you have my families sense of humor solved. They are named after characters from The Hangover, Blue Mountain State, and Anchorman. As previously mentioned, one of our dogs, Alan, is also name after a character from The Hangover, so it is safe to say that that movie is a family classic in our household.

When my sibling and I were young, we had some pretty accidentally funny bull names. My oldest sister, Melanie, was given the chance to name a bull when she was about 4. One of her favorite cartoon characters was “Woody the Woodpecker.” Naturally he became known as “Woody,” which was always funny to the adults, though I’m sure Mel never figured out why at the age. When I was learning about Lewis and Clark I decided we should name a bull after their dog, “Seaman.” Mother once decided to name one “Viagra,” which I always though was kind of an insult since Viagra did not ever need any Viagra to get his job done.

Generally, most things that have names are usually living. Personally, I also enjoy naming vehicles. For instance, my first car was a Silver Malibu named Maria. Yes, Maria the Malibu. How did I come up with that, you ask? Well, one of the first times I drove the car the song “My Maria” came on the radio. I have made sure that whenever the car has been borrowed to anyone that they know they must sing that song at the top of their lungs if it comes on the radio while driving Maria. From that point on I decided that I would name all of my vehicles after the first female name I heard in a song while driving the vehicle. The pickup that I have now is named Diane. I must admit that I may have cheated this time and played “Jack & Diane” on a CD right away when I first bought it. I really wanted a vehicle named Diane, I’m sorry.

Surprisingly, I have really only given one solid name that has really stuck to a piece of farm machinery. It is a high wheel sprayer, and her name is Martha. Martha is a Case sprayer. The model name and number on her is a Patriot 3330. So how do I get Martha from that? Well I’m glad you asked. Who is the first famous Patriot in our Nation’s early history? George Washington, of course. But, in my opinion, you cannot name vehicles after men, they need female names. Anyway, what was George Washington’s wife’s name? Martha. So there you go, that’s how Martha got her name. The sprayer happens to be the piece of equipment which I probably spend the most time in on the farm, so that is likely why I took the time to think of a name for it.

The only other name I can remember using for a piece of farm equipment was for a truck. It broke down in town one day and made me mad so I didn’t like it for a little while. It only made sense to refer to the truck by the name of an ex-girlfriend. But I got over it (both the truck breaking down and the break up), and the truck is again nameless.

Maybe I really enjoy giving these names because they are all pressure free. Let’s be honest, me calling a cow Fugly isn’t going to cause any psychological damage to her no matter how mean it is. But giving a kid one of those names that makes people think “what were his/her parents thinking,” that’s a whole different ball game.

Perhaps you have reasons for giving names very different from mine. Either way, it’s fun, it’s creative, and, in my opinion, it gives a certain quality to things that makes them feel closer to you. I love giving our dogs human names because, for whatever reason, it seems to make their personalities more real to me. So someday when I’m sitting out in the breezeway with Hannibal, he may not be able to tell me about the trip his namesake made over the Alps with elephants to Rome, but he will be my only dog named Hannibal making him unique and mine, and thus forever memorable to me.

Also, Happy Birthday Mom!!!