It’s my senior year of college at the best school in the world, Michigan State University. I live with all of my best friends, I have parents who love and support me, and friends and family who would do anything for me. I love my major and I am genuinely looking forward to my future. Yet, for some reason, I can’t tear myself out of bed. I can’t join my friends while they’re out because I’m crying until I physically can’t anymore. I can’t be content with where my life is at at this current moment because I’m constantly worrying about everything that’s happened and everything that could potentially happen.
I can’t because I have anxiety.
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Some days are better than others; some days, I wake up feeling as content and light as ever. You know, that feeling when everything is going your way and nothing can stop you. On these days, I am on top of the world. My smile isn’t forced, my mind isn’t wandering, and I am able to focus on things that are only happening at this moment.
Then other days, I can’t seem to control my mind; it’s like it’s on this wild autopilot that is geared toward every direction and thought that it doesn’t need to be on. Such as, how am I going to pay for groceries when I graduate and no longer have student loans to support me? How am I going to pay for said student loans? Will I have a job? How will I get a job? Am I good enough to get a job? I hope so because my parents don’t have any more money to give me. How am I going to pay them back? This worrying is so annoying. How could anyone like someone who worries and thinks like this?
I think you get the idea.
Some days, my mind cannot escape this rapid down-spiral that is anxiety. Rationally, I know that I am loved and that I have the skills and tools to be successful, but having anxiety makes me doubt all of those things. Naturally, this is a high-anxiety time, not just for me, but for my fellow college students, even those who do not have anxiety. The pressure that is put on us as well as the pressure we put on ourselves, is enough to drive any person in their early-twenties a little crazy.
When you have anxiety though, you don’t think about things rationally. You don’t think, my friends haven’t come to my room to say hi because they’re busy; you think, my friends hate me, no one likes me, and I’m all alone. When you have anxiety, your mind directs you to thoughts that fuel this anxiety, because that’s where it naturally goes. Your mind gets anxious and it wanders – it wanders to the places that you so desperately will it not to go.
You try to fight it. You try to remind yourself of all of the many awesome things and people you have in your life and more importantly, that everything is going to be okay. But when you have anxiety, the last thing you are able to feel is okay.
