Something God has been teaching me lately is to simply trust Him. As a nursing major, even in my freshman year, things are tough. My classes are harder than I ever expected them to be; sometimes getting into grad school doesn't seem like it'll happen because getting the grades I need is such a challenge. Some days I just want to give up.
But I know that giving up isn't the answer. Because another thing I know is that becoming a nurse isn't my own plan. From the time I was in middle school, I have known that part of God's plan for me is to major in nursing and one day use the skills I learn to help others.
Nursing is not a vocation I would have ever chosen on my own. I hate needles, and the sight of blood makes me dizzy. I cannot imagine having to stick people with needles, or having to clean up messes all day, or being in a hospital for 16+ hours. Just the idea of an 18 hour shift makes me exhausted. When I was younger, I had my heart set on being a psychologist. I have loved psychology and have been interested in all the workings of the mind for as long as I can remember. I've been studying all I can get my hands on for years. Thus, being a psychologist seemed like a natural path for me.
However, when I was in 8th grade, I started seeing and hearing things about nurses and nursing more often than I ever had before. Articles, billboards, conversations of random people, conversations with friends, you name it. For a few weeks, this just seemed a little strange to me, kinda like when you start seeing a certain number all over the place. Abnormal, but no big deal. But soon, every time I heard or saw something about nursing, I would have this thought of "yeah, that's what I want to do someday." This always baffled me, because as I said before, the idea of being a nurse myself nearly made me shudder. It took me longer than it should've to realize that it wasn't my own weird thought that popped into my head each time the subject of nursing came up.
After perhaps four months, it struck me that maybe it was God putting this idea of becoming a nurse in my mind. When I admitted this and prayed about it, I received a resounding affirmative. I almost felt like God was grinning big and saying "Yes, finally!" Since then, my desire to be nurse has only gotten stronger, and the specificity of what it is exactly that I'm meant to do with my life have become clearer and introduced to me over time.
I've known for years that God has a wonderful plan for my life. I've heard Jeremiah 29:11 all my life ("For I know that plans I have for you, says the LORD. Plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."), and I've had personal proof of it. And yet, sometimes I still doubt. Sometimes, such as when I look at my A&P II exam grade, an urge to just toss in the towel and become a psych major nearly overwhelms me. I don't understand how or why I'm failing if this is truly what God wants for me. If He's called me here, if this is His plan, then why aren't things going as planned?
And then, I remind myself: God works in ways I'll never understand. In Isaiah 55:8, God tells us that "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts. And My ways are far beyond anything you could imagine." God's plan is bigger than mine, and He can see the whole picture. I can't. It's hard to keep that in mind.
I came across a verse seemingly randomly a few months ago, on Pinterest of all places. Numbers 23:19,
"God is not man, that he should lie,
or a son of man, that he should change his mind.
Has he said, and will he not do it?
Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?"
This was during one of those times that doubt and fears of failure were taking hold of me. When I saw this verse, I knew that God was speaking to me.
God gave me a promise; He's got a plan, and He's going to work it out in the way that He wants. In the timing He wants. I can be impatient, and it's difficult to remember that God's timing won't always make sense to my human mind, but it's always perfect. There have been times when I wanted something to work out, and it didn't. At least not when I thought it should. Last year in particular, there was a situation in which I didn't get why things weren't working out. It wasn't until several months later, when I had given up on what I had wanted so badly, that God answered my question of "why not now?" God worked the situation out in a way that was so much better than I could've ever imagined. But I had to wait a while.
He's going to continue to work in my life in a way that will not only be for His glory, but also for my good (Romans 8:28). He's going to get me through all of the things I can't do on my own. He will be my strength when I have none, when I just want to give up. He'll never give up on me, and He will never cease to provide for me. Things are harder than I'd like, but I've got to hold on and believe that all of these troubles are going to work together to be even better than I could ever do on my own.
He's got a plan for me, but He never said it would go flawlessly. Jesus said this life would be full of troubles, but Paul said that we should count it as joy for perseverance builds our faith (James 1:2). He's got this handled, and all I have to do is trust.
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."
Psalm 3:5-6
