Are we “talking?” Are we developing into something more, something different than what we are now? There is often an urge to know if the person you’re starting to grow feelings for feels the same and how to define what exactly the relationship is. The scariest conversation that can possibly be had with somebody usually starts out like this. “What are we?” This question for most people becomes an overwhelming topic which makes us not know how to respond. Labels are a terrifying concept no one wants to bring up. If possible, it’ll be avoided or not brought up at all.
Why are labels scary? Some could say, “Emotions? What are those?” However after putting more thought on this subject, I believe that labels have commitment attached in some fashion - no matter how minuscule or serious the label is. In the beginning of the relationship, when you are hooking up or going out on the regular coffee date, then if at any point you don’t like what you’re hearing there’s an exit. What I mean by this is if a relationship without a label for whatever reason goes array, you never have to think twice before walking out the door. On the flip side, when in a committed relationship, you’re expected to work through differences or issues all the time.
The cliché is, “love is working through the hard times, that’s what makes a relationship stronger in the end.” There is truth to this, but when is enough in fact enough? When is it okay to say, “I’m done with what we have, we won’t work out,” and walk away? - Obviously it depends on the situation.
Back to why labels are scary. People don’t want to feel trapped, as if they have to promise “forever” in this time and place when choosing to be exclusive with someone else. Not true. Two people can decide to begin an intimate relationship because of the feelings they have for each other without having to plan a future. Thinking about it, forever is quite a long time. In fact, it’s the rest of your life. Many things change in only six months, let alone years.The word itself is strong and places pressure on a young relationship.
Wouldn’t it be healthier to look at commitment as something that can be taken a day at a time? It definitely makes the idea of a relationship easier to choke down. No one should be afraid to love or feel inevitably trapped because of this idea of “forever.” A friend Janet once told me this and I will never forget these words. “I don’t believe in forever, I have a five year plan.”
Not that she doesn’t love the man she’s with or won’t continue to, but things should be taken day to day because no one knows what can happen tomorrow or in the years to come. When she told me this, she explained, “People come and go and the only thing you’re left with is yourself so you better make sure you love who you are first.”
So the million-dollar question is, “How does one approach defining the relationship?” When is the best time to confront this topic? This happens differently for each relationship according to their circumstances, and it’s easier than most would think. I asked a few friends of mine in relationships how they discussed their feelings that establishes their “label.”
Brianna met a guy and they instantly connected. For weeks the both of them would hang out, go out to eat, and spend every free amount of time they could with each other, until one evening Brianna’s new love interest invited her to meet his parents. Naturally she had a great time. This is when she began questioning exactly what kind of relationship they had developed into. In her mind, it was growing into something serious.
One day, while they were driving, she choked the courage to just say something. To her it was completely rational considering the recent days and experiences they had both just went through. What man has a girl meets his parents at this stage unless he truly likes her? Right? The bond started to feel official. Driving down the road one evening on the way back to her man’s place, Brianna says, “I’m going to change my relationship status on Facebook.” He agreed, and then were both mutually excited to establish that they didn’t want to share one another. That’s only one example of how labels can happen.
Anne, a student in Ohio I had graduated with had told me how her current relationship came to be. She had been talking to this guy and been on a couple dates with him. She enjoyed his company and had an instant liking to him. One night her and her girlfriends went to their local bar where they would have a few drinks after a long day of classes and discuss their days. You know how this goes girls. Well at this place a group of men came in and were stopped by Anne and her friends.
A gentleman from the group came to her and asked her to dance. She automatically felt weird about this situation. She honestly wouldn’t have felt right about the guy she had been seeing to be dancing with another girl. So, then she texts him to ask what his thoughts were on if she should agree to dance with this gentleman and his friends or not. This was her way of wondering if she should treat whatever they had exclusively or not. He said that he didn’t want her dancing with another guy. This is something he wants to be exclusive. Anne didn’t dance with the guy at the bar that night. Instead she discovered that she had someone who liked her. After that experience, they were able to continue their friendship without those worries of “the label” and were truly able to grow a relationship. They weren’t “official” for some time. Eventually they made it "official" to the public eye. To this day they are happy.
You could be like another friend of mine, John. He met a guy one day through mutual friends, completely out of the blue. Through inside jokes and their “quirky” relationship that their group of friends shared did a connection spark - so to speak.
Again after a few weeks, John was noticing the time he and his new crush had spent together. Of course we wondered if his feelings were mutual amongst the both of them. John didn’t dare to even bring it up. However he felt that they were on this “level” where if he were to bring up the question it wouldn’t hinder the friendship. Eventually John just asked, “Are we a thing?” Then the other guy said, “Well obviously.”
I found these examples to help find clarity in this subject, and the picture above sums up the conclusion. Interesting how easily it was to ask a question that they all sort of knew the answer to.
When a connection is found, perhaps you just know it. There is a time that comes when two people feel comfortable enough with the other to just ask, “Are we something more?” or be put in a situation where we don’t want to feel guilty for being close to someone else.
I challenge you, the next time you are finding yourself continuously hanging out with someone and start to like them. Don’t worry so much about what the relationship “is” just yet.
Enjoy the present and use that to further to relationship. When the time comes to ask, you’ll know. If what you fear is true, you will also know.
That’s love, complicated as hell.
