What does one write about when there are no words left to say? When the world seems to come to a stop and nothing appears to matter. Part of the reason that I started writing for the Odyssey was as a way to cope with my depression and anxiety. A major part of my depression stems from the lack of meaning in my life, feeling as though everything I do doesn't need to be done, that each day has no purpose. Too pull myself out of this mental thought loop, I write. Generally speaking I write poetry, about home and family and my loved ones, things that give my life meaning. There lay my life thoughts, hidden away in a tiny notebook that I carry around in my purse, my crux of sorts for when the world gets too tough.

But then what, I just have commentary on the life I see around me and experience on my own, something that no one gets to see. Which in a sense is nice really, I have a place for myself, but some of what I have to say I think other people should hear to. Some of it, in my opinion matters. Now maybe thats just a subjective truth because these thoughts do matter to me because they are the threads that attach my life to the greater narrative. So that is why I write for the Odyssey, its a place where I can share myself and the things that matter to me with the world. Yet sometimes I have nothing to say.

Today is one of those days, where the numbness is overwhelming and the sound of my friends laughter doesnt even stir at my heart strings when normally it sounds like a melody of the gods. So what do I even write about when I cannot articulate my feelings, when nothing in the world makes any sense. When driving home feels like taking a trip across the world. Is the worlds muchness so crushing for other people? Is this just my experience? Does depression feel the same for others? I think that is my question, when the world hurts and youre all alone, how do you survive?

I wish there was a way to explain to people what it feels like to have my brain. The way my anxiety seemingly destroys my daily life, how I cannot be in one place for too long because I get scared of the people around me or the way that my voice sounds in relation to others. How its an overwhelming fear of people being able to see the real me and see that I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing with myself. Is this just early adulthood? Where we all putz around pretending we have a clue what were doing when in reality we just have stings, attaching us to different sectors of our lives, different people that we are that our friends would barely recognize. I think thats part of what scares me the most about adulthood, at some point in our future is there supposed to be one coherent human being equally represented in all aspects of our lives? If so how does one even get to that point? IS THERE EVEN A FUCKING POINT?!