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What Your Addiction Did To Me

I’m not the same person I used to be. In some ways I’m better, but mostly, I’m just broken.

Leslie Carroll

Jan 23, 2017

Birmingham, Alabama

Google

After more than 2 years and countless attempts to help you – I threw up my hands.

I never thought I’d walk away.
Although, you gave me a million reasons to.

I gave it my all.
I trusted you completely.
I gave you my best.
I know I wasn’t perfect but I tried.

You lied to me.
You disrespected me.
You betrayed me.
Your addiction tore through our life like a tornado and destroyed everything in its path.

Every dream I ever had I wasted on you.
Every amazing moment I’ve had over the last 5 years has been with you, and every heart wrenching and soul crushing memory has been because of you.
I didn’t want this for my life- for our daughter’s life.

This isn’t the life I imagined.
This isn’t what it was supposed to be.
You took that from us.

Every time I walked away I only wanted you to see what you’d lose.
I wanted that to be enough for you to change, but change can’t come from what you do or don’t have – it comes from within.

Truth is you don’t love yourself enough to do the right thing.
You don’t care enough about your own life to stop the destruction.

Now it’s over and there are a million new obstacles I’m facing.
Trying to explain to our 3-year-old why you and her brother aren’t around.
Having to make excuses for why you haven’t called or come to see her.
I get the full blown frustration of a hurting little girl, because I am the one that walked away.
I am a single mom.
I worry of the people that may try to come into my life because of what you did to me.
I can barely take a joke I used to laugh for hours over with a chuckle, because it's all too painful.

We don’t deserve to live as a broken family, but living in the shadow of your secrets and lies isn’t any way to live either.

You choosing to rely on your own defenses demolished us.
I know that I left, but you gave me no other choice.
I begged you to be honest- to just tell me the truth.
I tried to get you help, but you didn't want to do the work to change.

I’m not the same person I used to be.
Some ways I’m better, but mostly I’m just broken.

You made your addiction my problem when you pulled me into your world.

What you did to me left me feeling unworthy, unloved, disgraced,and like I was never enough.

You left me exposed, degraded, devalued, and dirty.
All for your pleasure.

I trust no one.
And
You ruined me.

While you walk around playing the victim.
Proclaiming a small truth about your problem but refusing to change.
I am going to try and rise above the pain and wounds you've inflicted.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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What Your Addiction Did To Me

I’m not the same person I used to be. In some ways I’m better, but mostly, I’m just broken.

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All names should be "unisex names."

1. Communicating via email can be awkward.

2. Appointments usually accompany weird looks.

3. Introducing yourself to someone is never without a hitch.

4. You’ve probably thought about changing your name.

5. You’re often asked why you have the name you do.

6. You get excited when you meet someone of your gender with your name.

7. You feel awkward when you meet someone of the opposite gender with your name.

8. You’ve had someone say to you, “I knew a [your name], but they were [your opposite gender].”

9. You’ve heard a bad joke/pick-up line or two about your name before.

10. People are surprised when they see you.

11. You’re extra sensitive to other unique or unisex names.

12. You’ve fought with your parents about it.

13. All things considered, you’re happy your name makes you unique.

You know that all of these things apply to you. You'll just never tell.

I get it... I'm pale.

1. At least I can't lose you in a crowd!

2. Oh my goodness your skin is like glow-in-the-dark.

3. Can't you just get fake tan?

4. Do you tan or just burn?

5. Your kids are going to look like Casper the Friendly Ghost!

6. *holds arm against your arm* Look how much darker I am compared to you!

7. *holds pale arm against another pale arm* Aw, at least you're darker than her!

8. I laid out by the pool almost every day over break!

9. I haven't used sunscreen since I was, like, five.

10. *adjusts selfie lighting to their face* Oops, where'd you go??

11. *after working out* Your face is SO red!

12. *wears white* Look! You're all one color!

13. You need to get some sun.

14. Aren't you excited for summer?

The struggle bus is real.

1. Child prodigies:

2. Hearing other musicians in the practice room next door and accepting that you will never be as talented as them:

3. That anxiety that takes over before every performance:

4. Taking a million 0 credit classes:

5. When there's a paper due the next day, but you have to attend yet another concert in order to pass a 0 credit class:

6. When your friends try to encourage you after a performance, even though you are criticizing everything in your mind:

7. Knowing that there's always that one professor during juries:

8. The oh-so-attractive band/choir uniforms:

9. Realizing that a college campus is maybe not the best atmosphere to finish your latest composition:

10. Hearing "Oh, you sing opera? I LOVE Phantom of the Opera!" for the hundredth time:

11. When people think finals week is a breeze for you.

12. When you're drowning in the stress that comes with 18+ credits (and not to mention all those 0 credit classes) and people ask you how you are:

13. When it all comes down to it, though, you know that at the end of the day, music is your passion:

Because you need it in your life.

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6. holds arm against your arm Look how much darker I am compared to you!

7. holds pale arm against another pale arm Aw, at least you're darker than her!

10. adjusts selfie lighting to their face Oops, where'd you go??

11. after working out Your face is SO red!

12. wears white Look! You're all one color!