Last week, my creative writing teacher posed a question. He asked, what are you waiting for? That question had me thinking a lot, and I pondered it for the days following the class. Because of this, I have decided to publish my response to that question as this week's article. I hope you enjoy.
What are you waiting for?
What an odd question. What am I waiting for? What am I waiting for? High school to be over? College to begin? Happiness? Moving out of my house? There are hundreds of things I’m currently “waiting for,” per se. Yet, I would like to challenge this prompt.
In my life, I have spent years waiting for things to happen. As someone who struggles with transitions and with loved ones being away, I am constantly in a state of unrest. I am consistently anticipating the beginning of the school year, the beginning of the next break, the leaving of a friend. I have spent my entire life waiting for this or that to happen.
This summer, however, I have been working on taking advantage of the moment. As my favorite movie, Dead Poet’s Society often says, "Carpe Diem", right? Shouldn’t we all seize the day? In theory, that works out beautifully, exquisitely even. Sadly, I am in a stark contrast to the ideal. I live in a muddled mess of waiting and anticipation. And you know what I’ve figured out? No happiness comes from waiting.
Because of this, I have been actively taking control of that. Change gives me stress, yet I cannot control it. When I’m sitting in a state of unease as I wait for something to happen, I feel uncomfortable and dysregulated. As a result, I have come to the realization that as my goal is to eventually find happiness, I need to attempt to unravel myself from the binding ropes of waiting. I need to cut the thread that adheres me to a bench, waiting for a bus that will never come.
Rather than wait for my future to be written, I want to write my future for me. This simply cannot be accomplished by sitting around waiting for something to happen. I have decided that this is not okay and I am dedicated to making the future great. I am dedicated to not waiting.
In order to follow through with this decision, I take advantage of each day. Each night, I keep a journal of one positive thing that happened during that day. I remember to appreciate the colors of the sunrise and, when I’m in math class just waiting to go home, I remember to appreciate how lucky I am to be in a school as nice as Naperville Central. When I’m out on a Friday night, tired and waiting to go home, I remind myself to be present. In the end, I won’t remember the tiredness, I will remember that night for its bond with friends and the level of happiness it produced for me. All in all, I am just reminding myself to live presently and carpe diem.
Two weeks ago I could have given you eighteen things I was waiting for, but instead, I will list zero. I am living in the present, I am living in the now. In order to do that most fully, I have separated myself from the old Lexi who waited. No longer will I sit at home and cry because I cannot wait for college to come or get excited I cannot wait to see my brother enter high school. No, I will appreciate my senior year of high school as it is. I will appreciate my brother as he is in all his second-grade cuteness.
In the grand scheme of things, memories are what make you happy. When you can no longer walk alone or you can no longer work, memories are what get you through the day. If someday, I sit in a wheelchair, unable to move, and realize that my entire life has been spent waiting, will I be happy? I don’t think so. But if I have, as cliche as it is, seized each and every day, I know a smile will creep across my old, wrinkled lips and I will be content, knowing I have truly lived.
