“You’ll be in my heart always.”

~ Tarzan

Losing you hasn’t been easy, I thought it would after a few months even a few years, but the truth is, it never gets easy. There are moments when I reflect on the days we had and I think that I never told you how much I love you enough. It makes me sick to my stomach because sometimes I feel that if I said those words more often, you'd still be here. The days may get better and I’ll become numb, but there is never a day that goes by where I don’t miss you.

You were the healthiest person I knew and one day that changed. I remember when I was walking down the stairs from my room and I saw my mom crying on the phone. I immediately wondered what was wrong and when she told me to sit down I knew that this was something serious. I remember the words coming out of her mouth: “Grandma has cancer.” It seemed like everything stopped; time and space froze instantly. I didn’t want to believe that what she was saying was true, that it couldn’t be true.

I miss you so much it makes my heart hurt. I miss going to your house for holidays, birthdays, or just because. I miss walking through your door and seeing you at the top of the stairs with your arms outstretched waiting for me to give you a hug. You would smile, pinch my cheeks with your rosy red nails and say, “I love you.” I miss your home-cooked meals. You would always make sure everyone’s stomach was full; you made enough food to feed the whole neighborhood. I miss watching TV in your room because you had the comfiest bed and your room was the best in the house. I miss going downstairs and playing with my cousins, or playing in the back yard, swinging on the swing attached to the big tree. Most of all I miss you. I miss the way you smell, the way you dress, how you would have a matching handbag for every outfit, the way you would never leave your house without putting on your “face” as you’d call it. I miss your touch, your pinches on the check and your kisses. I miss your voice. I can picture it in my head, but it's not the same.

Since you left things aren't the same. I've lost friendships throughout the years, some that I thought would last a life time. I have been heartbroken and never been filled with so my pain and loss in my heart since you left. There are times when I feel like my world is falling apart and I have nobody; I feel empty, like I've reached rock bottom. So many times I wanted to call you or go to your house because I knew that you would instantly make me feel better. I still remember your phone number. There are moments where I pick up the phone and dial your number but have to hang up because I remember that you're not on the other side.

Thank you for showing me how to be a better person. Thank you for always giving me your advice whenever I needed it, even if it was harsh, but it was the truth; you knew I was strong and could handle anything. Maybe that's where I get it from, you. Thank you for always encouraging me to do my best and never give up, that when I put my mind to something I can do it. Thank you for reminding me how beautiful I am every chance you saw me because now after all these years I finally believe it. Thank you for showing me that I should treasure every moment like it’s the last with the people I love because life is too short. Most of all, thank you for showing me how to love, how to never give up on people and always find the good in them. You have one of the biggest hearts I know and I hope that my heart can grow and be filled with as much love as yours.

"You'll be in my heart always."

I love you always and forever.