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What We Really Mean: A Guide To Deciphering Women

Aug 25, 2015

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What We Really Mean: A Guide To Deciphering Women

We, as women, say a lot of things that mean entirely different things.This is my own personal (and shallow) dictionary of what women (including myself) mean when they say certain phrases.

Disclaimer: no, this list does not apply to all women. Yes, this is mostly sarcastic. Yes, I wrote the article for amusement and to help out some of my guy friends. No, I don't expect everyone to agree with it.

So, without further ado, here is my own personal version of "What women really mean:"

"Do what you want." means "If you do what you want, you will not like how it ends."

"Do you think she's pretty?" means "Lie to me if you think she's pretty."

"Does this make me look fat?" means "Tell me I'm pretty."

"Fine." means "It's not fine. It's not fine at all."

"How do you know her?" means "I really hope y'all didn't have a thing."

"How much do you like/love me?" means "I need a favor."

"I can't even." means "I had Starbucks today, and I watched Mean Girls, and I'm just feeling a lot like a girl."

"I don't care where we eat." means "I don't want to look choosy or picky, but I care where we eat."

"I have nothing to wear." means "I have a lot of things to wear, I'm just not having it with any of these clothing items."

"I just don't want to date anyone right now." means "I want to date someone who is not you."

"I really need to be alone right now." means "Go away or apologize."

"I won't tell anyone." means "I won't tell anyone other than my best friend."

"I'll be ready in five." means "I have no clue when I'll be ready."

"I'm not upset." means "I'm actually really frustrated."

"I'm really not that hungry." means "I don't like whatever you picked and I'm too nice to say anything."

"I'm sorry." means "I'm actually sorry, which means I feel guilty, so please don't bring it back up."

"It's no big deal." means "It literally is a huge deal."

"Literally." means "I need to find away to overdramatize this, because that's how much I care about it."

"Never mind." means "I don't really know how to explain this in a way you'll understand."

"Nothing." means "Something, but I'm going to test you to see how you react."

"So, who is she?" means "Okay, I'm trying really hard to not sound jealous, but I'm actually severely concerned."

"Sorry, I have a boyfriend." means "Sorry, you're not my type."

"We need to..." means "I want to..."

"What are you thinking?" means "I hope you're thinking about me, and if you are, please tell me."

"Where do you want to eat?" means "Give me options, and I'll say no until you say one that I like."

"You don't have to get me anything." means "Please get me something."

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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What We Really Mean: A Guide To Deciphering Women

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"I'm hopeless and awkward and desperate for love"

1. That Time He Tested Out His Flirting Skills and This Happened

2. When He Was Willing to Do Anything to Avoid Confrontation

3. When He Couldn't Handle Awkward, Emotional Situations

4. How He Reacted Whenever His Friends Ignored Him

5. All of the Times He Worried About His Failing Love Life

6. Whenever He Tried to Whip Himself Into Shape

7. How He Handled New People and New Experiences

8. Whenever His Friends Got Annoying, He Was Always the Voice of Reason

9. He Always Knew How to Jam

10. He Finds a Way to Make Any Situation More Fun

No, I can't help you.

1. When a customer wants to return a product, hands you the receipt, where is printed "ALL SALES ARE FINAL" in all caps.

2. Just because you might be having a bad day, and you're in a crappy mood, doesn't make it okay for you to yell at me or be rude to me. I'm a person with feelings, just like you.

3. People refusing to be put on hold when a customer is standing right in front of you. Oh, how I wish I could just hang up on you!

4. Having the same conversations over and over again! To be honest I really don't even want to talk to you right now, or have this fake ass smile on my face!

5. Always having to have a smile on your face. I promise I'm not as happy as I may look!

6. Customers not understanding that sometimes, mistakes happen. I am a human being, we all mess up sometimes!

7. Having the boss from hell, it's their way or the highway! Even though I did my job correctly and efficiently, if I don't do it the exact way you do, I'm a piece of shit.

8. Having coworker who don't help out, who bend the rules just enough to screw you over.

9. Having to be at work after closing because a customer is taking forever and half! Not like I'd like to go home or anything!

10. Having shitty hours and more shifts than you asked for. Just because we don't have enough workers, doesn't mean I want to pick up every shift that you cant cover, oh great boss of mine!

11. Not having time for a social life. It gets old saying, "I can't I have work..." Every day of the week!

12. Having that lazy costumer who can't do anything for themselves... no please I'll get that, it's no problem at all!

It's just my face, I swear.

1. When you meet new people, they automatically assume you hate them or are rude.

2. People are constantly asking you if you're OK.

3. After being friends with someone for a while, they confess to you, "I thought you were so mean when I first met you," or, "I thought you hated me."

4. You get told to smile more, but they don't understand how scary that would be.

5. You're always labeled as seeming "judgy."

6. Passing a friend with your RBF in full force and not realizing you just shot them a death glare.

7. Being sarcastic, but everyone thinks you're outright rude.

8. Not knowing how mean you really look until you see a picture of yourself in resting face.

9. Your apologies never sound sincere because of your emotionless face.

10. Your "mad face" scares you.

11. And, lastly, people are constantly asking you if you are happy or having a good time because you look bored to death.

Please hold your blonde joke.

1. "Is Elle Woods your spirit animal?"

2. "Is that your natural hair color?"

3. "Oh wow, you get good grades at school?"

4. "You must really like the color pink!"

5. "You’re probably not into sports, right?"

6. "You must have such a bubbly personality."

7. "Your wardrobe must consist of all things preppy."

8. "What sorority are you in?"

9. "You were probably a cheerleader in high school."

10. "You look like you’re from L.A. because your hair is so light."

11. "You definitely like Pumpkin Spiced Lattes from Starbucks!"

12. "Do you actually think blondes have more fun?"

13. "You must encompass the typical “white girl” stereotype."

14. "Is that daddy’s credit card you’re using?"

15. "So all of your friends are blonde too?"

16. "I’m surprised about you; I thought you would be a lot ditsier."

The world's greatest university meets the world's greatest show.

1. When you get your acceptance letter

2. When you try to figure out how class enrollment works

3. When it’s move in day

4. When you arrive on campus and see all of the attractive people

5. FROG Week

6. When you find your squad

7. When you visit DHall (RIP) or EHall for the first time

8. When you take on way too many credits

9. When you go to your first party at JMU

10. When the rival school shows up for the homecoming game (or any game really)

11. Sunday Brunch

12. When you see the infamous “preacher” for the first time

13. The first snow day

14. Madipalooza

15. When finals week rolls around

16. When you have to say goodbye

17. And when you finally get to go back

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