When I graduated high school, I was so ready for college. Four years of being told what to do, waking up early, and dreaming about the future, was exhausting. To me, it was time to move on. The summer went fast as I worked diligently to save money and prepared for dorm life. Before I knew it, August had arrived.
Orientation was a long (and hot) process and I sadly found myself being cynical most of the time. Current students wore Greek letters and hopeful freshmen girls chatted expectantly about recruitment opportunities. Athletes sported their gear. Orientation leaders seemed to have a million friends. They all tried to welcome me, but all I could think about was that I wanted to be wearing my prom queen crown, singing in choir, and preparing for the upcoming speech and debate season. As a result, I wished away orientation. Fun activities were in full swing the first month of school, but my social anxiety took over and I stayed in my dorm. No matter how inclusive and welcoming my university was towards me, I simply declined the invitation.
Despite my intent on being anti-social, there was one leadership organization I joined, but I did not go at it whole heartedly. For fear of not knowing people well enough, I skipped most optional activities. I got a job on campus, but quit after three weeks. I put campus activities on my calendar, but when the day arrived, conveniently "took too long of a nap" or "had too much homework." I visited high school arts events and left sobbing because I "no longer had an identity." Eventually, I wasn't the over-achiever I had been in high school and my self-named "failures" spiraled out of control. In high school, I was an actress. I was able to put all emotions into characters. I was able to tie all of my worth to the trophies I won at tournaments. When I entered college, I stopped winning trophies. As a result, for the first half of my freshman year, my life consisted of crying, studying, and hiding in my room. The only thing I had control over was my school work, so I obsessed over grades. I was attending church, but was still so sad. The weird part is that I wasn't a new Christian. I knew what I was supposed to be doing and did all the "right" things. However, in my need for self-gain and public recognition, I had forgotten the true essence of what my life is supposed to be about: Jesus and others.
Over winter break, I had a lot of time for self reflection. I took a step back and opened my Bible. I had been reading it throughout the fall semester, but I don't believe I was truly applying it to my life. For the first time in a long time, I was free of course work and took a real look at who I am. More importantly, who I am in Christ. When I confided in my mentor regarding my depression, she reminded me that God is constantly doing good works in us. Our God is good and therefore calls us, as Christians, to live life more abundantly. We do not have to worry whether He will come through. His promises will always be fulfilled. Even if we feel like we are losing, God is still winning. Even though we are not always happy and are not always in an extravagant season of life, we are called to be joyful, especially during trials. Joy is more than an emotion. It is a decision. It is a mentality that decides to be grateful, even during our struggles. We can find joy in the fact that God is constantly working on our heart. He is always good. "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast"- 1 Peter 5:10. This verse is a constant reminder that suffering is only for a little while. No emotion lasts forever because God's great love is eternal and that love trumps all. Every experience we encounter collectively makes us stronger. Furthermore, the verse reinforces the idea that we are called to more. The fact that we are called tells us that we must keep going and we must be persistent, even if a situation looks hopeless.
With proper guidance, I entered the spring semester with a renewed spirit and mind. I threw myself into social situations. I began actively teaching to gain experience for my future career. I was no longer performing in front of audiences as an actress or singer, but put all of my energy into worshipping God and being kind to others. For the first time in my life, my goals stopped being about me. Now, as a sophomore, I am involved in school, work as a writing consultant, and am constantly reminded of why I love my university so much. My favorite thing is that I get to co-lead a group of about 25 middle and high school girls in a church small group. When I took the time to do a heart check, possibilities bigger than myself finally seemed attainable. God turned my insecurities into talents that have the potential to benefit others. I no longer have a stage, but I have faith that God will multiply what he has entrusted me with. My former stage was only a stepping stone in my walk with Him.
My advice to incoming freshmen is to be yourself and embrace college. Embrace the fact that there is power inside you that is stronger than any adversity. It can be awkward and scary trying new things, but it is so worth it. You are worth so much and are stronger than you feel. You have so much potential! Don't let fleeting emotions tell you otherwise. Entering college is the first step in achieving your dreams. Remember that the loss of what you used to be comfortable with is sometimes necessary to propel you into your destiny. God will take you out of your comfort zone. He wants you to grow in your heart so He can take you to a higher and wiser place. He wants to build your character. When you are faithful to God, He will do more than you could ever imagine. Never tie your significance or identity to trophies or extracurricular activities. That stuff is cool and God can certainly bless you in that way...but it's just extra. God's love is abundantly enough. Find your worth in God and He will honor your faithfulness. Don't go at college alone.
