The window was open, the squirrel was fat, the carrots were old. That’s all my roommate had in mind when he broke his last carrot into thirds and threw them from our second story kitchen window at the Texas sized squirrel sitting on the fence post twenty yards away. The first piece sailed wide left, the second wide right. I’m not sure if he consciously tried harder and threw faster with his last piece, but the way the final missile nailed the squirrel in the head, knocking it backwards and making it overcompensate forwards—causing it to fall off the fence post—it definitely sounded like it. When it hit the ground, it squirreled feebily. It lay still, stunned, battered, or quite possibly dead. After a few minutes it forced itself upright and drunkenly climbed back up the fence post—trying to stabilize itself once atop and focusing hard on the simplest maneuvers. It retreated and quite possibly died, although that cannot be confirmed nor denied.
Squirrels are more than the “tree rats” my dad considers them to be. They’re bushy tailed rodents that by all means should have gone extinct thousands of years ago. They don’t have much to defend themselves beyond a skittish mentality and ability to climb trees. Yet somehow here they are, thriving in a city full of cats, dogs, and trucks--the squirrel's natural enemy. Despite their small and humorless nature, we can learn a lot from squirrels, most importantly their fear of human touch and ability to chew and swallow their food.
Most squirrels don’t let humans get close enough to capture them, something many people should replicate. Humans are gross and awkward, the human hand has more disgusting germs on it than the bottom of your shoe. People spread diseases like it's nobody's business—which it isn't, especially not yours—and in general, a lot of people suck. Overall, staying away from them is a highly recommended form of survival that I implore all of you to pursue.
I’ve seen squirrels die in a variety of ways: dogs, seizures, car tires, and, of course, flying carrots, but I have never seen one choke. A squirrel’s style of eating is very effective, it involves tiny bites and lots of chewing and provides many benefits. For one, the more chewed your food is, the more nutrients you receive from these foods. When you slow down while eating, as taking smaller bites will do, you'll realize when you're full earlier and ingest less air, making you less likely to over eat and reduce the gas you’ll have, something we all know you should work on.
I’ve lived with squirrel haters all my life—my dad has been known to celebrate when he runs them over—yet their potential to teach the human race valuable lessons about life has not yet been reached. It might take a little time and research to figure out the full extent to which we can imitate these tree creatures, but I can guarantee it will be worth it. If we have success in this, the only thing we'd need to be concerned about would be flying carrots.
