Most people are pretty surprised to hear that I've never been in a serious relationship. Sure I've dated a couple of times, but they never went anywhere past the first date. But when it comes to a serious relationship, I've always played the fool.

I had a serious infatuation on this one guy, we'll call him Zachary, for a year and a half. He was awkward and played a lot of Angry Birds, but he was kind, and we became friends. It wasn't until a mutual friend forced him to ask me out and we went to see a movie. Then I couldn't stop thinking about our date. But that was the problem. I was in love with the whole prospect of a relationship and cared too much to the point where it pushed him away.

We didn't talk for an entire year after he cut off all ties with me. I tried getting his attention once or twice my junior year, but in the end, he told me. "You're really nice and honest. But you're really loud." My heart shattered into a million pieces that day.

From then on, I fell into the same pattern with other guys. Attraction, rejection. Attraction, rejection. I was beginning to think that the reason I was single was because I wasn't the Southlake type of girl. Then my senior year rolled around and I finally thought I had my life figured out. Then came Gary.

Gary was a year younger than me. He was everything I dreamed of: cute, charming, and a smart ass to boot. Perfect. Like I did with Zachary, I became friends with him and tried my best to woo him. I even asked him to prom, but he decided to go with another girl who was about a thousand times prettier and four dress sizes smaller than I was. Seeing his "prom-posal" on Twitter cut me deep. The worst part was when the junior class in choir mocked me mercilessly at our banquet, saying that we were going to get married after high school, which we all knew wasn't true. I felt like I was the laughing stock of our whole choir.

Fast forward to December 2016. My mom and I were sitting on the couch, as I was scrolling through Match.com. There were so many cute guys that were looking for a relationship (or a hookup. Who knows.), but they wanted someone who was "slender, athletic, curvy". I complained to my mom that dating was hopeless.

"Then lose weight." She quipped.

"Why would I want to change myself for a guy? They should like me for me." My mom looked at me sternly.

"Mary Beth, I think you're in love with the idea of being in love."

That's when the lightbulb in my head switched on. I remembered reading a summary of Anne of the Island by L.M. Montgomery where Anne realizes that she's not in love with the charming Roy, who showers her with gifts and poetry. She's only in love with the idea of being in love.

Lucky for me, I haven't had any hardcore infatuations in about a year, thanks to good old depression and anxiety. But in that year, I've begun to learn how to love myself and recognize my own flaws. Someone once told me that when you begin to love yourself, God will show you the person you're meant to be with. While learning to love myself is still a work in progress, I'm confident that there's someone out there who will, for once in my short life, return my feelings.

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