It’s no secret; you may have heard but DT is about to be in the WH. Oh boy. And of course, in true Trump fashion, it’s not going to go down casually or without any strife. So here is my educated guess about what is going to happen in the coming year.
January:
- Obama and Michelle leave the White House with a final White House banquet. Beyonce cries softly in the audience as Michelle does a tribute song to their 8-year publicity friendship.
- Trump’s inauguration includes Robin Thicke singing an acoustic version of “Blurred Lines.” Trump watches from the side of the gold-lined stage, satisfied at Thicke’s genuine good-heartedness.
- Bernie Sanders watches from his humble Vermont home. He tweets fiery rhetoric about this historic moment.
February:
- Trump establishes Mike Pence as a member of a newly-formed Social Rights committee. On live television, Mike Pence shakes hands with Ellen Degeneres. It’s incredibly uncomfortable.
- Melania Trump works to stop cyber-bullying. She effectively shuts down Facebook, Snapchat and Instagram. Evan Spiegel cries on live television.
- In a strange turn of events, D. Trump grows all of his natural hair back. Bosley loses a very profitable client.
March:
- Spring cleaning at the White House! Melania Trump decks the entire estate in gold-plated everything. Trump feels more comfortable than ever and at home in the White House.
- Beyonce drops an album titled “Preposterous.” It’s not only a visual album, but includes a playable video game portion in which Beyonce and Michelle Obama swim through an underwater version of the White House.
April:
- With Trump’s first 100-days coming to a close, the Chinese economy has plummeted, Russia bought Alaska and Mexico has been purchased by Wal-Mart. Who said business and politics shouldn’t go hand and hand?
- Bernie Sanders drops out of American politics and instead focuses his energy on raising herds of wild horses. He then releases them onto the plains of rural Kansas.
- Mike Pence has cured America of homosexuality! West Hollywood and the Red Light District in San Francisco no longer exist.
May:
- Obama cries nightly. He sometimes watches reruns of his State of the Union speeches. He chuckles softly to himself through the tears.
- Melania Trump finishes a degree in Astrophysics (who knew!) and becomes best friends with Elon Musk. The two are seen at fancy brunch spots in Manhattan.
- Beyonce continues to drop hints about ANOTHER new project releasing “soon.” Tensions rise. Rumors spread of ANOTHER collaboration with Michelle O.
June:
- The summer months bring jobs back to the United States, just like Trump promised! Children under the age of seven are now able to be employed in textile factories.
- Bernie Sanders appears on “60 Minutes” with Barbara Walters concerning his increasingly large wild-horse herds in rural Kansas. Bernie is evasive to her questions.
- Mike Pence inexplicably loses all of his hair. It’s not a good look for him.
July:
- Donald Trump now asks to be referred to as the “King of the U.S.A.” Melania Trump wears a Sacramento Kings hat to a media luncheon as a jab at her husband (Oh Melania, so witty!)
- Donald Trump announces a new requirement for those wishing to run for Congress. Future candidates must possess at least four years experience as a CEO in the private sector. Support comes mainly from rural parts of the country.
- Melania’s shut down of social networks backfires. With social networking done, bullying is done through postage and carrier pigeons.
August:
- Donald Trump declares a state of emergency in Kansas. Bernie’s horses have risen to 400,000 in body-count and now control the western half of Kansas. Bernie disappears from public life.
- Melania shuts down the United States Postal Service. Bullying has been quelled for the moment.
- Beyonce sets a date of Dec. 22 as the date of her new project dropping.
September:
- School starts, but only for those families with incomes of $240k and above. For other families, school will start in February 2018, when textile production slows down.
- Kansas is completely overtaken by Bernie’s wild-horse herd. The herd, now 600,000 strong, heads towards Missouri.
- Donald Trump adds 270 stories to the White House. He justifies the expansion by stating that it will stimulate the real estate market in the White House neighborhood.
October-November:
- These months do not exist anymore. Donald claims by eliminating these months, quarterly earnings will skyrocket.
December:
- Beyonce and Michelle Obama throw a lavish announcement party for their new manmade island nation, KWEENLAND. Located in the mid-Pacific (just north of Hawaii), Kweenland includes welcoming immigration policies, universal healthcare and provisions in their constitution against corporate lobbying.
The newly formed government of Kweenland includes such figures as Emma Watson, Elizabeth Warren, Justin Trudeau and John Stewart.
- Bernie Sanders reveals himself to be the rebel leader of the horse-herd taking over the country and storms Washington D.C. Upon reaching 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Bernie steps off of a majestic unicorn and busts through doors of the now 31-story White House.
- Donald Trump, who now sits on a throne made of corporate bailout paperwork is stunned at Bernie’s arrival. Bernie stares Donald directly in the eye. The two stare at each other for 43 minutes. When Donald blinks, all of Congress unanimously agrees Bernie should take control of the United States government.
- Melania Trump admits to her affair with Elon Musk. The two shoot into space to live on a newly formed space station hovering 1,000 miles above the surface of the moon.
- KWEENLAND and the United States form into one country. Progressive ideals reign supreme and the standard of living in the entire world skyrockets. War is done and world hunger is ended.
The world forgives Donald Trump and he goes back to hosting "The Apprentice."
