Here you are, a student at Kenyon College. You're stressing about finals, or a cute person who you want to go on a date with, but you're too scared to talk to them in person even though you act completely normal when you're texting/snapchatting them. If you're doing these, or any other things you weirdos might be into, your'e gonna get hungry/thirsty at some point. It's after 8 p.m., so you can't go get a bowl of Smart Start cereal at Peirce. The Gambier Deli is only open for 15 minutes a week on Thursday morning from 5:52-6:07. The Cove was torn down by a tyrannical administration that is looking to squash fun things 25 hours a day, and nobody knows what the heck happened to Nite Bites. So what do you do to feed your crippling sugar addiction? Obviously, you go to Kenyon, so you aren't dumb. You realize that the only option is to go to the beloved Village Market. Now, if you are anything like me, you never really know how little money you have. You ran out of K Card money in November from buying copious amounts of Captain and Cokes at the VI, and you're too lazy to get a job on campus. You log into your debit card account summary on your phone to see how much is there and you see $5. OK. There it is. That's all you got. So now you have some decisions to make.

OK, first things first, do you want a sweet or salty snack? If you're going the salty route, you have a lot of fantastic options. Some of my personal favorites are Snyder's of Hanover sourdough nibblers pretzels, Flamin' Hot cheetos, good ol' fashioned chips and salsa, or my recent go-to choice, Cape Cod kettle cooked potato chips, sweet and spicy jalapeño flavored to be exact.

What you have to realize when you're making this decision, is that most salty, savory snacks are really just mostly air-filled bags of bad breath. So after you realize that, you might stick with it, or you might decide to get some candy. Candy is slightly cheaper, but also significantly less filling, so you have another problem. There are, however, some candies that maybe aren't very well known, that I think could really step up your market game, and impress that hottie who lives down the hall from you. Ya know, the one with the (insert color) hair and the Doc Martins? Also, everybody who grew up in America and has remotely normal parents has their go-to candy, so why would I tell you to get Snickers and a Kit Kat when I can impart my knowledge of the sweet-treat kingdom on you, my (hopefully soon to be) loyal subjects? So here are my underdog candies: Take 5. Take 5 is a candy bar with chocolate, pretzels, peanuts, caramel and probably other things, too.

This is a relatively new type of candy bar, and it can be found left of the Vitamin Water cooler, toward the bottom right of that candy rack. Number two (Yankees announcer voice): M&M Crispy. These are like Whoppers, but lighter and more elegant. Someone sees you with these in your hands, and they're gonna raise their eyebrows in jealousy (if that's a thing people do). Last, but not least, I would tell you to go with something a little more well known in the outside world, but maybe you didn't know they were at the market: Trolli sour gummy worms. These speak for themselves, honestly.

Now, to wash this tasty food down, you have half-a-wall of non alcoholic options, and since most of the school is underage and, like any respectable citizen, choose not to "partake", that's all I will go over. Ok, so if you get milk of any kind, you're a psychopath and I don't approve of your second class citizen eyes reading my words, so go ahead and click "X" and go back to your MySpace feed.

OK, now that those "people" are gone, lets talk about some real drinks. To keep with the theme of lists of things that I think you should get, here are the things I think you should get: IF IN STOCK, Sprite tropical mix. This is one of the best things I ever did taste. Get it. I promise.

Next, Coca-Cola. It's dark, strong, bold but sweet, and gives you an exhilarating buzz. Be careful with this stuff though, or you'll end up like me, and get highly addicted to it. My last drink suggestion would be Peace tea Georgia Peach. This is like a ton of liquid, really tasty, and only $1(!!!!).

Hopefully you learned something from reading this, and if you already knew about all of these things, shoot me a fax telling me some of your personal favorites so I can judge your character the same way you just judged mine.

That's all I got for now. Peace, Lordies.