So you have an ex. Well, technically an ex. Maybe the status is still up in the air. Maybe it’s a recent breakup. Maybe it’s a breakup that occurred years ago. Maybe the relationship was short, or maybe it was years long. Either way, you still have it on your brain. And try as you might to move on and tuck the nostalgic feelings away in the deepest filing cabinets of your mind, they continue to be relentless in their mission to creep into your thoughts.
Quite frankly, it’s annoying… even paralyzing at times. We’ve all heard the terms “rip the band aid” and a “clean cut” when it comes to ending relationships. However, the fact of the matter is that when you and your significant other enter turmoil mode, eventually breaking up, it often times doesn’t end so easily. It’s messy, confusing, and emotional. In many cases, there are questions left unanswered and feelings left unspoken. With this being the case, how does one move on when the closure you so crave was never received?
For me the answer was simple. I didn’t. For a long period of time I managed to trick myself into thinking that I’d moved on- that thoughts of the past didn’t still haunt me. I threw myself into my athletics career, schoolwork, and most numbingly, my weekend social life. I made it a priority to keep myself crazy busy in order to avoid confronting my deepest feelings. I talked to other people, but hardly allowed myself to go deeper than what I deemed surface level. My least favorite part of the day became the silent moments right before sleep came to save me from my thoughts. It was at this time that I couldn’t escape the mistakes I had made, the words I couldn’t take back, and ultimately the questions I would never have answered. Not to mention flashbacks of better times – times where I’d felt on top of the world, immersed in a love that had become my universe.
Past relationships are difficult to leave behind when they feel as though they are “unfinished”. As time goes by emotions may lose the raw, fiery edge that they once had, but the sensation of loose, untied strings often lingers.
So if you never receive final closure, how do you begin to move forward? We read article after article searching for someone else to tell us the answer. We ponder, “why did this happen”, “how," “when," “what." And then we wonder “why” some more. We take long walks hoping a pivotal solution will come of it, or daydream of returning to a text from said person, driving us emotionally insane. Sometimes, even sleep does not help in escaping the endless thoughts, our dreams joining forces with our conscious minds. Though it may be an emotional roller coaster of sorts, let me present you with a moment of clarity.
Sometimes “no answer” just may be your answer.
This is a difficult notion to wrap ones mind around, however, imperative to be reminded of. Often times, we may not receive an answer because… there was nothing good to say. Other times, it may not come because of indecisiveness. But is that really what we are seeking? A person who teeters on what they want with you? Or maybe, just maybe, we haven’t received closure because we haven’t allowed ourselves to. We have not considered the idea that silence is just as good an answer as words. Rather than feeling lost, coming to accept this allows us to recognize that having no direction is in fact, a direction. A direction that takes us to a place of self-reflection and one that asks us to grow inwardly, embracing the uncertainty and drawing strength from confidence gained as each passing day glows a little brighter than the last. Rather than searching for answers from others, this idea asks us to self-create and internalizes the closure we need. We cannot live as if we are waiting for things that are unknown. We can only accept the silence and embrace what is alive and present in front of us. Carrying around sadness and uncertainty only damages us. Ultimately, we are responsible for our present and future happiness. No one can give us closure except for ourselves. And in learning to do so, we become a person even more prepared to give and receive love in the future.
