As a college freshman who barely finished a month of school, I've already been to two parties. And when I tell my friends that I have Saturday night plans, I quickly tell them that it's not that kind of party with dancing and alcohol. And then I have to explain to them that I go to desi-style parties, which has some obvious stark differences from a traditional American party. So in no particular order, here are 25 thing to expect when you are partying with brown people.

1. Questions

The minute you step through the door, all the adults will bombard you with questions. How are you? How is school going? You’re still going to be a doctor, right? So be prepared with some answers, although I have found that using the standard “I’m fine” answer with a slight look of disinterest will prevent further questioning. You never realize when you’ve said too much until it’s too late.

2. People

The hosts think it’s normal to invite every person who knows their name. It’s not a real party until the house is so jam packed that the AC on full blast is not doing justice.

3. Lots of food

Expect a three course meal. Endless appetizers, entree options, and desserts. Granted that the theme is still desi, so staples like samosas, biryani, and curry is a must. Now if you ask whether the food tasted good or not, that’s a whole other story. You be the judge of that.

4. Long Lines

Due to the endless food options and millions of guests, you have to stand in a long waiting line to get food. I suggest to either come at the beginning or the end in order to avoid waiting and being near adults where they’ll ask more questions.

5. Future Marriage Proposals

Once you’ve stepped out of high school and into college, people will ask you when you are marrying. But whatever you choose to do, don’t let them play matchmaker. Ever.

6. Music

There’s always at least one adult who isn’t too bad with the vocals. So everyone will ask for him/her to perform one song. Or 50 songs. It’s usually 50.

7. Uncles/Aunties

Don’t feel like you have to remember every adult’s name. They are just defaulted to the generic name of uncle or auntie.

8. Segregation

The men all sit and mingle in the living/dining room. The women all sit and mingle in the kitchen/family room. The kids get the bedrooms upstairs. It’s always like this.

9. Surprise Birthdays

Because there are millions of guests, 9 times out of 10 someone has a birthday.

10. Photo Sessions

The women all want a group photo taken. So guess what happens? All the kids are called down to take a picture on his/her mom’s phone. While these moms seem to be high-tech with iPhones and all, they still haven’t realized that one person can take the group photo and then send it to everyone else.

11. Skin Whitening Tips

Because all the women are obsessed with being ghostly white.

12. Mom Gossip

I’m sure this is reason why parties are held in the first place. So the moms can sit and gossip about everyone and everything.

13. Dad Politics

And because men aren’t very gossip-driven, their topic for discussion is defaulted to politics. It’s usually one dad who thinks he knows what he’s talking about arguing with everyone else.

14. A Random White Person

Sometimes the host or a guest will invite an American neighbor or a friend. So everyone will stare at the random white person.

15. After Midnight Hours

Because there's always more time to gossip. Don't expect to leave until at least 1 AM.

16. Warning Calls

And then when your parents realize what time it is, they start yelling at you and acting like you're the one who is holding them back. And then when you are forced to leave your friends and come downstairs, you see that they are still talking. Then you realize that you won't be leaving for another couple of hours.

17. Another Invite

Half the party is spent discussing which family will host the next party.

18. Late Arrivals

Because brown people think that when the host tells you the party starts at 6 PM, it means the party starts at 9 PM.

19. The Really Late Arrival

And then there is one person/family who thinks it's cool to come even later than usual to the party. And then they make a big scene when they arrive.

20. Being Called Anorexic or a Fat Pig

Never show an adult the food on your plate. If you have too little then they ask if you're trying to lose weight. And if you have too much you're compared to a cow. There is no in between.

21. The Rich Guy

There is always one very rich person/family at the party that everyone is lowkey jealous of.

22. Latest Fashion Trends

Because all the moms ask if your outfit is from India or Pakistan. And then they proceed to tell you that you're wearing the latest trend, no matter what it is.

23. New Faces

There are people who come up and talk to you as if you've known them for years. They tell you if you remember them because they saw you as a baby. Science apparently revealed that you can remember things from infancy.

24. Parking Problems

Due to the high volume of guests, imagine how a neighborhood street would look during a party. Finding adequate parking is like winning the lottery. Parallel parking is your best friend.

25. Chai

It's disrespectful to host a party and not serve chai. It's always available. But I'll tell you a little secret. That extra dollar you pay at the shop for "chai" tea is regular tea for us brown people. So you're literally buying tea tea.

And there you have it, a complete guide on what to expect at desi parties. While it can be annoying to be dragged into these parties by my parents at times, I still do have love for my heritage and culture.