It is February 2016, and I'm very well into my second semester of college. I was looking through my Tumblr drafts, and I saw this one draft I wrote during a time when I was realizing I had everything I wanted during the beginning of my college career. I had the education, a decent job that provided me money here and there, and just landed a film internship I really wanted. I re-read the draft now and just questioned myself about why I felt that way at the time. Here it is:
“The problem right now is that I am a college freshman...
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I am a freshman in the best city in the world where dreams comes true and anything is possible. I study at the place that has innumerable explorations, spontaneous adventures, and a home out of a home. New York City is an endless discovery.
But it sucks.
It sucks to do it alone.
It is nearly essential for humans to be alone and to know how to be alone.
But I know solitude as if it is my gene.
My therapist told me to be alone for a while to know how it feels for my own mental health and independence. But I have gotten so addicted to it.
I master it.
Being alone surrounded by a huge population enables me to think "What if you were here with me?" It makes me think about how I once did have it all. I had it all without realizing it was even everything. I think about the plans you had for us and how they make so much sense now when back then, it didn’t make sense to me at all. I miss your presence, but I can never admit that to myself because it just ruins me to think that I need to rely on someone for my own well being. But isn’t that OK for me too? Everyone else seems to do so... But it sucks because I wasn’t always like this. I used to enjoy solitude and intentionally lied to friends about where I was so they wouldn’t find me. I became the most productive when I was alone, and I had a comfort in it that I don’t feel elsewhere.
Until I met you...
I didn’t know what I was in for. I had no clue it would be this huge of an impact and realization.
But I miss the knowledge that you were always there. I miss the comfort. I feel the utter lack of completion. I don’t want to say that I’m lonely because I know loneliness, and this is not it. I just miss feeling appreciated. I see couples, and they appreciate the tiny things about each other. I heard this one man say to his girlfriend how much he loves her new hair color, and she couldn’t stop giggling talking about how she chose that hair color because it was close to her late mother’s hair color. The boyfriend said that “Yeah, you do have your dad’s hair color instead of your mom's.” That’s such a basic conversation...
Why did I envy it so much?
I miss feeling appreciated. I miss being excited to tell someone good news right away.
I miss taking on this world with someone.
Simple as that.
I never appreciated the benefit of having someone to talk about useless topics to because... I guess I never really noticed myself doing it.
I was used to being told how beautiful I am, that my hair looks nice today, and I just look mysterious. I miss feeling wanted. I’m on my own and I don’t know whether I’m happy about that or not… I have everything I want right now. I go to the school of dreams, have a decent job, and recently landed an awesome internship. However, I have no one to celebrate it with.
I miss having someone to tell good news to.
I’m partying on my own.
I got so used to you being there that you leaving was not even a mere thought in my head. I apologize for everything. Now that you’re completely gone, I think about how different it feels. It doesn’t feel bad or better.
It just feels alien.
I haven’t been this alone since before you came into my life. That explains why I was so hesitant to let you enter my life. Little did I know it would be the best decision ever. You were my everything. You were my best friend. You were my other half. You were my world long before I had the guts to even know what that meant.
But then again, like everything else,
it sucks.
I just always happened to be delayed in everything, you know? I feel late in the realizations. Late in the knowledge and awareness of the importance of things. Just late. Late. Late. Late. But I hope this isn’t too late...
I hope you see this as something worth to reading. I hope you still think of me when you see or hear certain things that merely remind you of me. I hope they are good things, too. I hope you’re OK. And God, I hope you’re enjoying college. I am, by all means, but it just sucks being alone in the city that has an incredibly high population and by some random kind of mental effect, I somehow still manage to feel alone.
I wish you were here with me to experience it.
It really is a great view."
But I have some advice for people to not get too caught up in the sense of missing someone.
I put many things on hold. My movie list keeps adding up. The amount of books I left unfinished on my desk is ridiculous. You don’t even want to see the number of songs to listen to in my Notes app on my iPhone. I wasn’t always like this, though. I remember getting tasks done. I remember getting them done quickly just to get them done.
It’s simple to say that I was distracted.
I was distracted with brown eyes, big lips, and a body so tall it made me look short, and I’m a 5'10" girl. I think back a bunch to when it all began. I remember telling myself: It’s alright to get distracted for now, because when do I ever?
It’s been months and I still don’t know whether to identify that distraction as a bad or good one. I told myself, “Take a shot, there’s nothing to lose.”
Boy, was I wrong… I was so damn wrong it kind of hurts. It’s February and I feel at a loss with everything. I lost my dignity, my sanity, and I lost the me before the he came into my life. People will tell you that it gets better. I’m not going to say that it’s a lie. But, it kind of is.
It doesn’t always get better.
It just gets easier.
Time heals nothing; memories just fade away. The only way to really cope with it is to fake it until you make it. You kind of have to tell yourself every morning that you were once at ease with life before him and you can be again after him. Lie to yourself. It’s going to be difficult. You might succumb and resort to texting him back and making excuses for the ways he has hurt you. But, remember the beginning of this text? About distractions? That’s how it works out for you in the end. Don’t get distracted. Don’t get distracted with the distraction that once made you enabled to be distracted. I wish I could tell you he’s going to go back to you, that he’s going to apologize, and he’s going to be the guy he once was again. But, no... he’s not. He’s not that guy anymore.
And I can’t stress enough that you should not distract yourself with that possibility.
Don’t.
