As you’ve probably already seen plastered across Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, and various mainstream media outlets, America now has a clown problem. No, I’m not talking about Donald Trump, although he definitely fits the description of “Scary Clown.” I’m talking about actual scary clowns, the ones with make-up, the red noses, crazy hair, and creepy smiles (Damn, that still sounds like Donald Trump. In my defense, he sets himself up for it way too easily). Scary clowns have now been spotted all over the United States, with most of the sightings originating in the South. With one of the most recent sightings allegedly being as close as the University of South Florida, it’s only a matter of time until “they” arrive at FSU. They might even already be here, hiding in the shadows, just smiling and waiting…
As a result of that lovely thought (You’re welcome for the nightmares, by the way), I’ve decided to draft up a fool-proof battle plan for those who encounter a scary clown for the first time. Here’s what you need to do:
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1) Pull Out Your Phone And Start Recording.
When you see a scary clown in the shadows, its head cocked to the side and its smile radiating pure evil, you need to immediately whip out your phone, open Snapchat, and start recording. Also, be sure to comment on how crazy and creepy it is that you’re seeing the clown. The sound of you pulling out your phone and freaking out will surely disorient the clown, hindering its ability to perceive things clearly and coherently.
2) Approach The Clown.
After recording a snapchat of the scary clown, applying the proper filter, and posting the video to your Snap story, the next thing you’re going to want to do is start walking towards the clown. Since the clown has already been disoriented by your ability to record snapchats like an absolute savage, it will perceive that you are actually much bigger than you really are, causing it to panic. Make sure you also wave your hands above your head and yell, “HEY, I’M RIGHT HERE,” as you walk towards the clown, for added effect.
3) Take A Selfie With The Clown.
This step is crucial. Once you get close enough to the clown, you need to pull out your phone again, turn on the flash, and take a selfie with the clown. Since the clown is already disoriented and panicking, the flash of light from the selfie you’re taking will overload the clown’s senses, effectively rendering it unconscious. At that point, where to hide the unconscious body is up to you. I would recommend a dumpster, or the parking lot behind the Strip.
If you follow each of these steps correctly, you may just escape with your life. In the event of a full on scary clown invasion, however, you’re on your own. The best advice I can give for that would be to get down on your knees and start praying to whatever god or all-powerful force you believe in, because it’s clearly the start of the end times if millions of demonic circus clowns are running rampant across the country.
