Just a couple years ago, I was one of those people. Someone who looked at relationships with judgement when I felt as if someone was clearly being mistreated. I always thought to myself, "Why would anyone put up with that?" and "I will never allow myself to be treated in such a way." The idea of allowing another human to belittle me was sickening and I foolishly thought that I was above that treatment. That is, until it happened to me.
We are told from early childhood that when a boy is mean to us, he likes us. When he throws sand in your face on the playground, it was just innocent flirting. But at what age were we taught to stand up to the hateful words and constant criticism? I honestly do not think that we were ever truly taught that we deserve better, I believe it is something that happens when you actually experience the maltreatment for yourself. Of course, that doesn't apply to everyone, but it definitely applied to me.
Growing up, you are educated on physical abuse, but it is so easily forgotten to mention that abuse isn't just physical. Even if he doesn't hit you, that doesn't mean he isn't abusive. Even if there aren't bruises on your body, that does't mean your soul isn't scarred and broken.
They never told me the pain that words could bring, especially from someone who was supposed to love you. They never told me that while he didn't hit me, his words would still have a physical effect on me. They never told me emotional pain could hurt so bad it would make me physically ill. They never told me where to draw the line between a normal fight in a relationship and toxic, detrimental words. They never told me the fear these words would bring, never told me that every time my phone would go off and I'd see his name pop up that there would be crippling anxiety at the idea of what I did this time to make him mad. They never told me how to escape it.
These things start out like any other relationship. You go through a puppy dog stage where you can't get enough of one another, spending hours on end at each others side. At this time, you want to know all there is to know about the other person, you want to share in all their likes, dislikes, dreams, and fears. You let them in. Once the puppy dog stage is over, you may have a fight or too, but it isn't that bad, just normal, right? Then the fights keep happening and the happiness between the bouts of anger becomes less and less each time. You find yourself questioning all of your actions, wondering what you're doing wrong, wondering what is wrong with you to be making them so upset all the time, you lose yourself in their anger. This is where things got blurred. You remember when things were so good between you and your significant other, you have faith that the person you fell in love with is still in there, so you stay. You begin to bite your tongue and walk on eggshells around them, you become a shell of the person you were when you met, you've been silenced by their rage. Even when expressing so much caution, they still yell, they still insult, they still tear you down. Then one day it happens, the relationship ends. A sigh of relief you may think, but that isn't always the case. For me it was pain, it was tears and panic attacks, secluding myself from the outside world as much as humanly possible.
They never told me that getting out of an abusive relationship still hurt just as bad as losing someone who treated you like a queen. They never told me that even though it hurt so badly, I'd want it back at first. They never told me how to heal.
One day, though, you wake up and breathe easy. You feel a sense of relief that there is no one there trying to define who you're going to be, there is no one to belittle you. It may take days, weeks, months, everyone heals differently. One day, your eyes will be opened to the truth that this was never love, it was a battle for power. It was manipulation with the sweetest name. It was all about control, they wanted to be in control and the best way to achieve that is to break someone so badly that they begin to question themselves and their worth.
They didn't tell me, so I'm here to tell you. Never place your worth in the hands of another. Never lose yourself just in an attempt to keep them around. Never allow someone to pull you so far down, because they won't be there to help you back up. It's hard, so hard. The day will come, you will be okay, you will gain your charisma back, you will ignite the passion they tried so hard to stomp out, you will survive. Be aware of the treatment you are given, be aware that you are worth so much more than hurtful words. Be aware that people have the potential to be toxic, no matter how badly you wish they were good. Remember that loving someone should not hurt to such extreme levels. You are strong, you are unique, but first of all, you are human, and no human deserves that pain.
