College, the best four years of your life… the best four years…

If it's the best for years, then why do I feel so lonely? Why do I long for the familiarity of high school? Shouldn't this be easier? I told myself that everything is new, so it's normal to be uncomfortable. I will make new friends, memories,and work hard in class. They lied to you. You will not go to college and suddenly live the life you dreamed of. That freedom you wanted so dearly is also a burden. You won't be best friends with your roommate and meet people just like you. You won't live one of the best years of your life. And that's okay.

I came to college a month ago motivated and excited. The week before classes started was one of the funniest weeks ever. But don't let the Instagram posts fool you, homesickness was also one of the worst feelings I ever felt. My roommate hadn't moved in yet, and while I did have some friends to explore with I still felt very much alone. Everyone else seemed to be having fun and going out all day and night never considering the life they left behind. Sure, I stayed out until 12 am, but when I did go to my dorm, I wanted to cry I missed my parents so much. Homesickness was like grief. I was okay while I was busy, but the second I had time to think, the memory of my family crept in like a thief. It stole my happy moments and dared to taint memories. Like grief, it came in waves. Everything would be fine until I thought about going home to my mom's cooking and remembering I won't. Or when I saw a bug in my dorm and thought about how my father would usually be the one to kill it. Even my sister got tired of me calling her. I didn't know how she couldn't understand my loneliness. I knew I couldn't be the only one feeling like this.

I had followed a lot of my fellow freshman on Instagram in hopes that it would help me make friends. I would scroll through posts of my smiling, posing peers and wonder if they ever cried themselves to sleep or called home every hour. No matter how early I woke up or how late I went to bed I always saw seemingly carefreeunphased students. At first I questioned if I was overreacting, but then I evaluated myself. Do I walk around campus mopping or post pictures of me crying with the caption: Homesickness is ruining my life 😥 #homesickness #literallycrying. No, of course not! You put on your best face and take on each day. Who knows how everyone copes when they in their dorm about to go to bed. Or how often they call their parents when they're not chilling with friends. So many people are in the same boat, but no one is going to talk about it. Why would they? We all fake it until we make it. For me, it took about two weeks.

The first week of classes came to an end and I planned on visiting my sister at her apartment on Saturday. It was late by the time I got ready for bed and I was so ready to sleep in. As I was drifting off I realized I hadn't called my parents to say goodnight. Being so busy with classes and more than ready to go to sleep every night I forgot to be sad. I no longer called home every hour, bugged my sister or wanted to cry myself to sleep. It kept getting easier. Now a month in, I'm fine… kind of.

My parents visited me a month after school started. It was nice to spend a day with them, joking around like it was normal. I had homework and they had a long drive ahead of them, so we had to part ways by nine, which I guess is late, but I wanted them to stay forever. I tried to focus on all the work I had to do and just let them leave as if the next time I see them wasn't going to be Thanksgiving break. I remembered watching them leave the first night they left and crying in the middle of my dorm. Now I walk into the building alone, dreading work the next day. I sit at my desk and don't go to bed until twelve and don't shed a single tear.

I've even grown accustomed to calling me dorm home.