No one tells you how to grieve. No one even tells you how to feel. You just sort of figure it out as you go. There’s no handbook, there’s no one there to tell you it’s going to get better, you just do it. I know that sounds harsh, but there is no other way to explain what it is like to lose a parent at such a young age. But if I have learned anything in the past four years since I lost my dad, it’s that….

You will be angry.

Weird, isn’t it? The first emotion of course that you’ll feel is sadness. You will truly not know what to do, cry, remain still, fall to the ground, who knows. But eventually that sadness will turn to anger. You will be angry for the things you didn’t get to do that you had planned. No matter how small or big. A walk to the beach, getting ice cream, a vacation, no matter the event you will be angry that your parent isn’t there to do it with you. For me, that was applying to Alabama, being at prom and graduation and moving me in to college. I was so angry at my dad, and it took me a while to get over it. But I soon realized that he didn’t ask for this, it's not his fault.

You might not cry for a while, and that’s okay.

Like I said before there is no right way to handle this. So many people expect you to be distraught and cry all the time. If you do that’s okay, and if you don’t THAT'S OKAY TOO. I did not cry for the first month and a half that my dad died. I threw myself into my school work, and forced myself to live day after day. At that point it was a routine, a new one that took some time getting used to. But with that being said that takes us to the next point.

Eventually you will cry.

I promise, you will cry, and it will hit you at the most random times. For me the first time I cried, I was on a fro-yo run for me, my best friend, and a teacher after school. I was on my way back and it hit me. I cried so hard I had to pull over, because my eyes were so swollen and I had fogged my glasses up. Truly, I don’t know what it was that made it happen, it could have been the song on the radio, a street sign, I really don’t know. But what I do know is that I cried, and I cried hard. And it felt good. I had been holding in so much, that to finally let it out and let myself grieve was what I needed.

The first(s) will be hard.

The first Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthday, anything it will hurt, and it will hurt bad. It may be so bad that you don’t want to celebrate anymore, but you cannot let that happen. My dad died November 1st, 2012, and I remember my mom didn’t want to put the Christmas tree up that year. And I understood it, but we had to realize that life goes on, and that it wasn’t just her and I. My little brother was nine at the time, and for him Christmas was still a magical time of year, even with all this darkness surrounding us.

Little things over time will remind you of them.

It will happen. It could be at the supermarket, or the mall, or even your own home. You will see something, hear something or smell something, and your mind will take you right back to being with them and you will want to call them.

I remember being out at a bar one night with my friends having a great time. I remember putting my drink down and then seeing an ash tray on the table that was the same exact one that my dad used when he used to smoke. It hit me so hard that I went home, and just cried some more. And as horrible as that sounds, its still an amazing feeling to know something so small can mean and remind you of so much

You will be okay.

I know that doesn’t make you feel better, but it’s the truth. Over time you will come to see that what happened, the person you lost, will not be able to come back. However, you will also find their signs. Sometimes I will smell my dad’s scent, or my radio messes up. Recently its been dragonflies. Whenever I get stressed or some stuff is happening and I'm very overwhelmed, there are dragonflies either flying with my car as I drive, or as I walk on campus. It’s a really comforting feeling.

Losing someone sucks. You’re either not ready and didn’t know, or you did know it would happen, and you tried to prepare yourself, but there’s no way to do so. You will grieve, you will hurt, and you will cry. But please remember, it gets better, you have such an amazing support system around you, and you will make it through this, and become a stronger, more beautiful person.

And if I had one last piece of advice it would be to remember this, broken crayons can still color. I know it may feel like your world is ending, but you will survive. I’m living proof that when life throws you a curve ball, you will be down for a bit but you will get back up and be stronger than ever. You will be happy again. You will learn to love again. But more importantly, you will be able to live again. I promise.