From the days I spent longing to amputate myself from the social order to the nights of overglorified solitude, I have tried in vain to escape from people. People are, sadly, everywhere. In much needed hindsight, It’s a convoluted bear trap I set for myself. It’s a desperate act to cling to tedious safety of not risking embarrassment at how, what, when, or where you say something. It’s a plunge of self sacrifice for containment of thy self. You cannot do anything in this life or the next without stopping to have a conversation -- whether it’s trying to order something or get a promotion, social skills are a must if you want to connect with someone or climb the corporate ladder.
I’ve thought to myself, how much better would my life be if I could talk to people?
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How many opportunities have I missed?
Then that voice of rationalization peeps up, “But think of how many awkward conversations you avoided! How much pain and self hatred I saved you from!”
With the entire English language in my sweaty grasp, I cannot perfectly express the persistent suffocation of nerves I feel when I’m stuck in a social situation, even if it’s expected. There is always a tinge of fear hidden behind my eyes I can feel, but you can never see. I’ve sabotaged chances at friendships because I was too scared to hang out with them for a few hours. What if we run out of things to talk about in five minutes? What do we talk about for the next two hours and 55 minutes? Oh God, what if I’m stuck hanging out with them for at least four hours, for whatever reason? How will I survive this ordeal?
When you’re a good talker, when you know to make friends, how to socialize, I cannot imagine what it’s like. What do you feel when meeting someone new? Do you get nervous? If you do get nervous, does it affect your conversation? Do you expect a certain reaction from people? Do you say whatever is on your mind at that very moment? Do you pick a conversation topic out of a lineup in your head? It’s an amazing stroke of luck to be able to talk and converse and make friends with people. You should be thankful every day. If you are one of those people, I know life isn’t any easier, but it gives you one less thing to worry about. One thing I can tell you is that you do not even have the slightest clue of what it’s like to be me. When I’m with a stranger, I can barely squeak out a curt response or shyly ask a question to try to get the ball rolling -- like a frightened mouse among hawks afraid to step on a twig.
When you’re anti-social, people become a source of anger, hatred and regret.
People become a negative concept to rationalize your own lack of social skills.
You’re not clear headed, ever. There is always a cloudy thought of doubt that seeps into your waking conscious. What if? What if? What if?
I purge and only hurt myself when I label myself as a non-talker or anti-social. It creates a hallowed space for me to live in and dwell. I must escape the attachment my own words create and live as if I am a talker or a great conversationalist.
