There a few questions I have when it comes to people with children. Strike that: there are a million questions I have when it comes to people with children, but most of them can be simplified to your basic: Whats, Whys, and Hows.
During this season, though, when lights on houses brighten your soul, when Christmas cheer rings through the radio, when love seems to warm up the crisp, winter air, and when you can see the wonder of holiday magic in the eyes of young children, a few special questions come to mind.
What is your deal with the Elf on the Shelf? Why is this a thing? Who came up with this crap? Do you realize you are single-handedly turning your child into a Big Brother conspiracy zealot? What are you doing? Why is this a thing?
I will never question a mother who sniffs at her baby's diaper to check for messes. Dads who put pacifiers that have fallen on the ground into their mouths, then give it back to their child, I get it. Guardians who tell their kids white lies to get them to stop talking, or grandparents who bribe grandkids with junk food, go ahead and call me Kanye, because "Imma let you finish, but it’s time you answer for the Elf on the Shelf."
From a childless young woman’s understanding, here is what I know of the Elf on the Shelf. The elf is sent from the North Pole and is named by its new family. The whole concept starts off problematic to me. Why does this elf not have a preexisting name? Doesn’t this make things tricky for Santa when Donna the Elf gets back to him that little Sarah and David are being holy terrors, and Santa has no idea that Elf No. 1,938 has decided to go by the extra festive title of Donna?
Do parent elves not name their baby elves? Where do baby elves come from? This elf doll is then (maybe?) brought to life by Christmas magic, or at any rate, is a conscious being. At night, the elf moves around, finding a new spot from which to watch the child, and by day, it remains still. Sitting. Waiting. Watching. (Way to make a cute "Toy Story" notion not cute at all, Elf on the Shelf.)
The elf is a total snitch, in addition to being Buffalo Bill-status creepy. His whole day is dedicated to waiting for a child to slip up and misbehave. Finally, if the elf forgets to move, the child will have a total meltdown, and apparently, if the kid touches it, it dies?!
Once Christmas is over, the elf goes back to the North Pole (cough, cough *attic*). During the build-up to Christmas though, they haunt the timelines of Facebook and Instagram. They ruin perfectly good bananas.
And cookies.
Each day brings another picture of a Pinterest-inspired elf hiding spot or status about the stress of moving the elf. Why do adults subject themselves to this? Do the kids really mind if a toy elf doesn't stalk them for a month? I can promise you, parents, that your Facebook friends won't mind, and yet, the trend grows every holiday. Elf on the Shelf has annual sales of $10 million, according to the most recent accounts at Inc.
As if the Elf on the Shelf wasn’t ruining enough of the holiday season, the world has decided to expand the empire. Ever heard of Star from Afar? Mensch on a Bench? Maccabee on a Mantle?
This craze is obviously becoming something of a tradition, but I can't understand why. Parents, it's time you answer for your sadistic love of placing anthropomorphic toys around the house, and seemingly creating their own shenanigans, just to spy on your kids. I vote that next holiday, we as a society shelf the elf.
