Inspired by Youtuber Jenna Marbles’ collection of “What A Girl's _____ Means” videos, I thought I could follow her lead and find what to judge people on. Seeing as it's summer and one of summer’s wardrobe essentials is a bathing suit, I decided I’d decipher just what exactly your swimsuit says about you.
Black Bikini: Baby, you’re so classic. If you are wearing a black bikini, you are not only repping a summer classic, but are also just plain smart. What color shows off summer tans? Black. What color attracts sunlight and therefore darkens your summer tan? Black. Therefore, wearing a black bikini means you’re killing it.
Striped Suit: Well, aren’t you nautical? If you are wearing a striped swim suit, you are all about festive summer times, preferably on a boat. In the land of 10,000 lakes, why not rep that boating life? Unless, of course, you plan to Instagram with a caption like, “Let’s get nau(gh)tical *insert anchor emoji”; please stop while you’re ahead.
American Flag Swimsuit: Oooo look how #patriotic you are! Wearing an American flag swimsuit either means you’re celebrating ‘Murica on the Fourth the only way you know how (skimpy apparel), or you got the suit on sale after the Fourth of July and want to claim that you just love this country so much you want to rep it all summer.
Neoprene Swimsuit: Made out of straight scuba gear material, your Triangl brand (or knock-off brand) swimsuit means, you saw this on Tumblr and thought, "OMG I need." These suits tread a thin line between trendy and basic, because let's be real, the second that suit style hits Forever 21, you know it’s only a matter of time before you have to find a new trend.
Strappy Bikini: Sported more at music festivals than at actual bodies of water, this type of swimsuit says you like having heinous tan lines because, hey, that proves you went somewhere fun and flirty, and you “like almost got to front row for Steve Aoki so like it was worth it”.
Retro Bikini: Wearing a retro bikini means you got inspired by "Baywatch," "The Notebook," or Taylor Swift’s 2013 wardrobe. Retro bikinis are for Halloween and recreating Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling’s love story, nothing else.
Tankini: Wearing a tankini in public says that you are either a middle-aged mom who still wants to “flatter her figure” or a girl under the age of 12 who shops at Limited Too…I mean Justice.
One Piece: A one piece says that you are a reserved gal who likes to stay more covered up than those hooligans in bikinis. Wearing a one piece also says that you’ll transition into your stay-at-home mom role nicely because you already have the swimwear for it.
One Piece With Cutouts: Wearing a one piece with cutouts means you are a confused soul because these things are basically more revealing than an actual bikini, but in all the wrong places. The only people who look good wearing these things are Victoria’s Secret models.
Push-Up Bikini: A push-up bikini says that you like to live by the motto “fake it ‘til you make it.” You were so pumped when these suits finally came on the market because all those tween days of blowing air into your tankini just to have it deflate ten seconds later have finally come to an end. There ain’t no shame in your game, girl, keep doing you.
