Society and mainstream media has painted this picture that anyone suicidal or depressed is this somber, never happy type of person. That's simply not true. Sometimes people who are severely depressed appear to be the happiest and most successful. Same goes for suicide. Suicide "looks" like smiling faces and good grades. Suicide "looks" like success and a "perfect life". It's not what the mainstream culture would have you believe. Suicidal "looks" like me.

All of my friends would say that I'm a happy-go-lucky girl that has my whole life planned out. In a way, they are true. I have spent hours meticulously planning the next 40 years of my life. I'm a good student, mainly A's and B's, and always smiling. To people on the outside, they would never look at me and go "she's suicidal". To them, it's simply illogical that I would think such thoughts. However, what many people don't know is that I suffer from severe depression and anxiety. This does, in fact, leave me feeling hopeless and like my world is crumbling. While I don't always think suicide is the solution, there are times that I certainly play with fire in a certain degree.

The fight against this suicidal ideation is a daily war that I very much struggle with. Unfortunately, there's such a stigma around "suicide" that people begin to coddle you like a bird with a broken wing. Sadly, this in some cases, can worsen the individual because they start to feel like a burden to others. Once the "I'm a burden" sets in, from there begins a snowball effect of self-loathing and false ideaologies that are- for the most part- completely untrue.

There are many "red flags" and "ways to predict suicide", and while those can be beyond helpful, in some cases it just simply isn't predictive. Suicidal individuals don't always want help, or attention being brought to their affliction. These are the terrifying cases of suicidal ideology because sometimes there's little to no predictable signs. Sometimes one can simply "snap" and become so overwhelmed in an instance that their rational thinking is completely gone. Other times, it does take calcuting a plan to get to the point of action.

Then comes the "calm down", which is something the lucky ones who live can experience. The "calm down" is the period when either an individual is completely talked out of the idea, or is convinced to take action to reverse the effects of whatever "method" the individual used. This can be puking, going to a hospital, calling an ambulance, or just allowing someone to help them. Yet, the "calm down" unfortunately can come with some serious drawbacks, and I don't mean purely physical.

Due to the stigma surrounding suicide and the emotional toll it takes on people, many people who have suicidal ideation are actually abandoned by friends. You'd think "wouldn't that just make things worse?" and you'd be 100% correct. Mostly it's parental figures demanding that a friend abandon the struggling individual. I assure you, this 100% makes things worse. If you are in the group of people who are privileged with the inner most secret a person can share, and you abandon them for reaching out to you for help... I assure you, you have not made the war inside an individual easier, you've showed them not to trust even further. To abandon is to pick up a shovel and start digging their grave because you have just reinforced that "asking for help" only makes things worse.

I've begun to live with the constant whisper in my head that makes me believe that sometimes it would be easier to end it all and just never have a care again. During those times, I find it incredibly difficult to ask for help for many reasons I mentioned. Others being "if she doesn't care, then neither do I" and a lot of other statements I've heard towards me and others who also fight this endless war.

If you want advice on how to truly help an individual in this war, you stick beside them no matter how ugly it gets. You encourage them, even if they don't seem to listen, I promise you, each encouraging word is truly heard even if rejected at the moment. At least attempt to allow the individual a chance to ask for help themselves before forcing their hand by contacting someone else. Under NO circumstance EVER doubt their words or say "you just wanted attention", or claim their actions seem "odd and inconsistent". Please keep in mind, suicidal thoughts goes hand in hand with depression and anxiety, these individuals have been walking a tight rope for a long time. Acting like they're "ok" is their talent cause they've been forcing themselves and others to believe it, potentially for years. They can immediately go back into "I'm ok" mode if they need too.

Suicidal thoughts aren't just actions and thoughts, it is a war. It is walking on a tight rope in a hurricane and hoping you aren't blown off. Suicide is "I'm ok" even when you're head is screaming "end it all". Suicide is smiling faces and secret tears at night. Suicide and depression are similar in aspect, but one can only pray that suicidal ideas don't creep in because once they do, they never leave.

Never leave a person behind; take their hand and say the most beautiful words "WE will beat this together."