I'm 19 years old and I suffer from major depressive disorder. Depression has affected my life for years, and it's something that's really difficult for people who have never experienced it to understand. There are so many layers to it and it manifests itself in different ways among every single person who experiences it. I am no psychologist, and I cannot possibly speak for every single person struggling with some form of depression, but these are a few of the things that I wish more people knew about me and my disorder:
1. I can't "snap out of it."
If I could, I would. But contrary to popular belief, I can't flip a switch and "just be happy." You wouldn't tell someone with a broken leg to "just get up and walk," so please don't tell me that the chemical imbalances in my brain can be adjusted by simply willing them to.
2. Depression is not synonymous with sadness.
Depression is more than a feeling of sadness. It's loneliness, hopelessness, worthlessness, irritability, detachment, and feeling out of control. It's feeling disconnected from everyone and everything around you, like you're watching your life happen from outside your body. It isn't always being painfully, devastatingly sad - a lot of times it's feeling nothing at all, it's just emptiness and numbness. Things that used to make me happy don't -- same with things that used to make me sad. Sometimes it's a relief just to feel anything at all.
3. I know I can be hard to love.
I say that I need people and then I detach myself from them. People try to get me to open up and I shut down. I don't mean to be so closed off, I don't mean to come off as careless or unappreciative of your effort and support. Iam infinitely grateful for those who don't give up on me, even if I don't come across that way, because those people are the ones who keep me going. I'm not good at showing it, but I need people. It's just hard for me to make connections with them.
4. Depressive episodes drain me of everything.
Depressive episodes are hard to explain to people who've never experienced one, and when I try to articulate what it's like, it just comes across as being "lazy." My depressive episodes aren't just mentally exhausting, but they physically impact my ability to function. During my flare ups, it's an achievement if I can get out bed. My brain is either going a million miles a minute, cycling through constant intrusive and destructive thoughts, or it disconnects from everything completely and I'm left scarily devoid of thought and feeling. I think of everything and I think of nothing, and it makes my brain and body shut down entirely.
5. I don't know why I feel the way I do.
Some people experience situational depression, where something identifiable happens in their life that spirals them into a temporary depression -- whether it be a death in the family, a traumatic experience, or anything else that can uproot someone's life. Clinical depression is different. It's long-term, and there isn't always a cause aside from brain chemistry. I don't know why I am this way, I don't know what triggers my flare ups, I don't know why I act the way I do. It's frustrating and confusing and I wish I had more answers, but I just don't know and I'm trying to be okay with that.
6. It's okay to ask me about it.
I don't love talking about my feelings, but you don't need to walk around the topic of mental health with me like it's the restricted section of the library at Hogwarts. You don't need to be soft with me, you don't have to feel like you're walking on thin ice by asking me how I'm feeling. If I had a physical injury, you'd probably ask me about it. It's okay to ask me about invisible injuries, too.
7. Don't pity me; I'm more than my depression.
Don't view me as less than fully human because I'm mentally ill. I'm not weaker because of it. I'm not damaged, not weird, not "less than" anything. I'm just different from what you believe to be normal. Depression is part of who I am, but it's not all that I am and it doesn't define me.
8. Meds aren't "happy pills."
Do y'all really think antidepressants are happy pills? If those existed, we would all be on them. My medication just helps me to function like a proper human for a little while. It decreases some of my obsessive and intrusive thoughts to help prevent me from spiraling into a depressive episode, but it isn't some magical cure-all pill that reverses every negative thought I have.
9. Clinical depression is not connected to living circumstances.
"You could have it so much worse." You think I don't know that? I am incredibly privileged. I have a good home life, a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, food to eat, water to drink, and I'm getting a college education. By all standards, I have a great life. But my circumstances have nothing to do with my brain chemistry. Depression doesn't discriminate -- mental illnesses can affect anyone of any race, social class, religion, or gender.
10. I'm trying.
I want to be better. It doesn't always look like it, but I do. I take pride in my smallest achievements because I know there's another version of me who would've given up. Each day that I go to war with my brain and win, I get stronger. You may not be able to see it, but I am trying my damned hardest.
Depression sucks, and if I could magically wish it away, I would. But I also know that it has shaped me into the resilient and compassionate person I am. It has given me the ability to empathize with people, and to imagine them as complex, whole humans.
