Let's get straight to the point: you wouldn't talk about sexual violence with a rape victim. You wouldn't talk about domestic violence with an abuse victim. You wouldn't talk about drugs/alcohol with a recovering addict. You wouldn't talk about death with someone who recently lost a loved one. This is common sense and a common courtesy. So why then is it OK to talk about weight with someone who has an eating disorder? Below are a few topics to avoid unless the person has specifically stated that they are comfortable with it.
1. Don't talk about the way their body looks (that includes compliments.)
Someone with an eating disorder is painfully aware of how their body looks. They know every dimple, every blemish, every fold and every stretch mark. They will stand in front of a mirror just examining their body. They will suck in their stomach, pull on their skin and tense their muscles in order to look as "ideal" as possible. It's an excruciating process that always leaves them feeling worse than when they started.
So why do they do it? Simple: to measure "progress." To see how much weight they've been losing. That being said, any comment you make regarding their physical appearance will only encourage them to continue their behavior. It's easy to understand how a negative comment will do this, but how could something positive do so? Think about it this way: You're giving positive feedback to unhealthy behavior. If you tell someone with an eating disorder they look thinner, naturally they will want to continue what they've been doing.
Instead, compliment them on their clothing, or their hairstyle — anything but their body.
2. Don't talk about weight. Not your weight, other people's weight, or theirs.
One of the largest parts of eating disorders is trying to get to an "ideal" weight. Nearly every waking moment is spent thinking about how to lose weight or how to avoid gaining weight or how much they hate their current weight. Momentarily breaking that mental cycle feels surreal. The psychological noose slackens and allows for normal existence, a luxury for those with an eating disorder.
Unfortunately and unsurprisingly, making a comment about anyone's body type will immediately bring the person with an eating disorder back to that cycle. If you say how the man you both saw in line at McDonald's needs to lay off the fries, you will trigger them. Thoughts like, "If you think that person is overweight, then what do you think about me? Do I need to stop eating fast food? Do I gross you out when I eat?" will flood the person's mind. Not only is this incredibly insensitive to the person who has an eating disorder, but body shaming in general is a really disgusting and rude thing to do to anyone. So please, save your nasty comments.
3. Don't talk about their eating habits.
Someone with an eating disorder knows what they eat and how much they eat. They don't put anything into their body without thinking of how much guilt they'll later feel or what they'll need to do to work off the calories. Saying things like, "Oh you always eat that!" or "You've hardly eaten anything!" will put their head in a bad place. For them, one of the hardest things to do is eat. Don't make this more difficult for them by pointing out what they're already very aware of.
4. Don't make jokes about eating disorders.
I don't know why anyone would do this in the first place seeing as anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness, bulimia kills 3.9 percent of those who have it, and 5.9 percent of those who have binge eating disorder die from health complications. Plain and simple, those jokes aren't funny. They're incredibly triggering and absolutely insensitive. If you truly feel the need to "make light" of something so destructive then do so where no one else can hear you.
Obviously these topics are hard to avoid if you don't know that the individual you're speaking to has an ED, but if you are aware, then for their sake, please be more mindful of what leaves your mouth. While your comment may be innocent, it can be perceived in a very negative way.
If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder then please contact nationaleatingdisorders.org or call their helpline at 1-800-931-2237.
