In a previous article, I wrote about the importance of asexual awareness, in particular, the importance of it in relation to young people. A lot of what goes into social awareness for underrepresented groups is language. Language, in how we address people and what we say to people, is important. Sometimes, addressing people about what not to say is more important than telling people what to say. When you tell someone that what they said was wrong, you can tell them why it was wrong, how they can fix it, and have the power to change the way someone uses language. This is not an article about trying to control people’s freedom of speech, it is about understanding why ignorant speech can be harmful to groups like asexuals.
1. “You just haven’t found the right person yet!” or “You’ll change your mind someday.”
These sorts of comments sound supportive in the mind of the person saying them, but really, they can be very hurtful. Comments like these not only invalidate asexuality, they make it sound as though asexuality is a phase. Saying that a person will "change their mind someday" belittles the asexual person and makes them look more immature. Asexuals are not "late-bloomers" and we are not more innocent than other sexualities.
2. “How will you ever have a meaningful relationship?”
This type of commentary is similar to the comments in point one. In point one, it is implicitly implied that sex is a mandatory foundation for a romantic relationship. In this point, that belief is much more explicit. The person who says this believes that sex is the deepest sort of intimacy, that a romantic relationship without sex is disappointing and less meaningful. This is untrue. Sex is not a mandatory right in a meaningful, intimate relationship. For a sex-negative asexual, or anyone for that matter, there may be other forms of intimacy that are just as (or more) important to them as sex is to a sexually active couple. The commenter also assumes that all asexuals have the same sexual preferences. There are sex-positive, sex-negative, and sex-neutral asexuals. It all depends on the individual.
3. “You’re a plant then?” or any other not-so-funny-not-so-original joke.
Nobody's identity should be the butt of a joke, no matter how funny the person thinks they are. When someone jokes about asexuality, it enforces common stereotypes of sexuality. We are not special-snowflakes looking for attention and we are not plants.
4. “Did something happen to you?”
Asking a person this, especially if you are not close and in confidence with the individual, is simply rude. It implies that asexuality is a choice. Like everyone else, whether they be heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or whatever, we do not choose to be asexual. Even if something traumatic did happen, those experiences do not make someone asexual. If this were true, there would be many more of us. This rule does not just apply to the asexual community, it is common respect for everyone. If someone wants to tell you about their experiences, let them tell you. Don't ask as if you have the right to know.
5. “So, you just don’t like sex?”
Like point four, a person does not have to have a reason for being asexual. A person who says this also shows a lack of understanding for what it means to be asexual. Asexuality is not the same as celibacy. Celibacy is the choice to not engage in sex whereas asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction. There are many differences between the two. One is a lifestyle, the other is an identity. One is a choice, the other is not. Even though there are some asexuals who do not enjoy sex, there are others that do. Some are simply neutral to the whole experience. No matter what an individual's sexual preferences or lifestyle is, it does not lessen their identity or worth.
Here is the link to my previous article referenced:
