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What Not To Do at a Stoplight

In no less than 800 words.

Chandler Polakov

Aug 17, 2015

Tulane University

1621

Feeding your snail is something not to do at a stoplight!

"Gary, are-are you sure you don't want some creme brulée? Or, or some chocolate-flavored algae bits?"

And making a sandwich.

"I can't write on an empty stomach Gary, I gotta have my brain food! Now let's see...White or rye bread...or pumpernickel. Gee, I guess it really depends on the meat inside... and the cheese..."

And lighting candles.

"Only 799 words to go."

And drinking water.

And calling your friends.

"Marco."

"Polo."

And karate chopping the TV.

And shootin' the breeze with the mailman.

"Rye or Pumpernickel?"

And fallin' asleep.

"Do I dare look at the clock?"

And doing calisthenics.

"Hup ho. Hup ho."

And fantasizing about your driver's license.

"Oh yeah..."

And setting your house on fire.

"SpongeBob, why? Why did you set me on fire, SpongeBob?! Why didn't you just write your essay?! STOP WASTING TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME!!!"

And cleaning your kitchen.

"I can't work on my essay knowing there's a mess in the kitchen."

And doing the dishes.

And cleaning your garbage.

"Can't have dirty garbage."

And choking on pesky particles.

"What do you mean 'overly dramatic'?"

And dreaming about not finishing your essay on time.

"Time is up SpongeBob."

And talking to the fish newscaster on the news.

"In other news, local resident SpongeBob SquarePants only has a few hours left to complete his essay, and yet he continues to goof off. [head sticks out TV] When will he learn?"

And practicing your calligraphy.

"Ok, Mr. Essay, I say... prepare to be written! [Begins active writing] I'm doing it! I'm doing it! Yeah...yeah...yeah! And some of these, and some of these...Almost there and...done. Now lets see how it looks so far. "The-" "

And getting into heated arguments with your pants from the top of a giant chair.

"Yoo hoo! Down here!"

"You get up here! I've got to get back to work!"

"Freedom!"

And ripping yourself in half.

And using a SpongeBob time card to make it seem like this article is all the author said it would be in the title...

See Mrs. Puff! All 800 words!

Anyway, the moral: Don't procrastinate and get your work done on time! A message I think we all can take to heart.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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What Not To Do at a Stoplight

In no less than 800 words.

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#Adulting is hard.

1. Taking care of yourself when you're sick

2. Making a to-do list

3. Planning your activities around the weather

4. Scheduling your own doctor’s appointments

5. Getting your own toilet paper

6. Making food without needing to ask your mom questions

7. Holding your tongue

8. Saving your paycheck (or your tax refund) to pay your bills

9. Balancing your checkbook

10. Going places alone

11. Packing your own lunches

12. Actually eating your vegetables...on purpose

13. Taking a multivitamin

14. Planning a life after graduation

Sometimes bigger isn't always better.

1. If something happens, everyone knows about it

2. Never getting to be invisible

3. Knowing every single thing about every single person in the town

4. New kids are a big deal

5. It’s hard to make new friends

6. On that note ... the dating pool is even smaller!

7. Teachers are weirdly close to their students

8. It forced you to make friends out of school

"I'm hopeless and awkward and desperate for love"

1. That Time He Tested Out His Flirting Skills and This Happened

2. When He Was Willing to Do Anything to Avoid Confrontation

3. When He Couldn't Handle Awkward, Emotional Situations

4. How He Reacted Whenever His Friends Ignored Him

5. All of the Times He Worried About His Failing Love Life

6. Whenever He Tried to Whip Himself Into Shape

7. How He Handled New People and New Experiences

8. Whenever His Friends Got Annoying, He Was Always the Voice of Reason

9. He Always Knew How to Jam

10. He Finds a Way to Make Any Situation More Fun

No, I can't help you.

1. When a customer wants to return a product, hands you the receipt, where is printed "ALL SALES ARE FINAL" in all caps.

2. Just because you might be having a bad day, and you're in a crappy mood, doesn't make it okay for you to yell at me or be rude to me. I'm a person with feelings, just like you.

3. People refusing to be put on hold when a customer is standing right in front of you. Oh, how I wish I could just hang up on you!

4. Having the same conversations over and over again! To be honest I really don't even want to talk to you right now, or have this fake ass smile on my face!

5. Always having to have a smile on your face. I promise I'm not as happy as I may look!

6. Customers not understanding that sometimes, mistakes happen. I am a human being, we all mess up sometimes!

7. Having the boss from hell, it's their way or the highway! Even though I did my job correctly and efficiently, if I don't do it the exact way you do, I'm a piece of shit.

8. Having coworker who don't help out, who bend the rules just enough to screw you over.

9. Having to be at work after closing because a customer is taking forever and half! Not like I'd like to go home or anything!

10. Having shitty hours and more shifts than you asked for. Just because we don't have enough workers, doesn't mean I want to pick up every shift that you cant cover, oh great boss of mine!

11. Not having time for a social life. It gets old saying, "I can't I have work..." Every day of the week!

12. Having that lazy costumer who can't do anything for themselves... no please I'll get that, it's no problem at all!

It's just my face, I swear.

1. When you meet new people, they automatically assume you hate them or are rude.

2. People are constantly asking you if you're OK.

3. After being friends with someone for a while, they confess to you, "I thought you were so mean when I first met you," or, "I thought you hated me."

4. You get told to smile more, but they don't understand how scary that would be.

5. You're always labeled as seeming "judgy."

6. Passing a friend with your RBF in full force and not realizing you just shot them a death glare.

7. Being sarcastic, but everyone thinks you're outright rude.

8. Not knowing how mean you really look until you see a picture of yourself in resting face.

9. Your apologies never sound sincere because of your emotionless face.

10. Your "mad face" scares you.

11. And, lastly, people are constantly asking you if you are happy or having a good time because you look bored to death.

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