Recently I went on a first date. Although it went pretty well, like everyone, I’ve had my fair share of bad first dates, so I’ve decided to compile a list of a few things not to say or do on a first date. While this won’t necessarily guarantee you a second date, you won’t end up with a drink in your face or a dining hall full of patrons staring at you as your date huffs off to the bathroom with no intention of returning.
First and foremost: marriage. Unless your eHarmony profile specifically states that you are looking to tie the knot within the first year, this topic should be off-limits. Most men and women, though they think about marriage often enough, are on completely different wavelengths when it comes to the subject. Or, If you feel like shooting yourself in the foot right off the bat, be sure to bring up the option of polygamy. The only exception to this rule, of course, is if you’re about to be deported, in which case you’re going to have to speed up the normal course of the relationship anyways.
Secondly, and almost just as important: politics. We are in one of the more fragile periods of political debate in the history of the U.S., and one of the fastest ways to have a date turn sour is finding out one of you is team Trump and the other is team Hillary. And it’s true, this subject can be important, and it probably won’t take as long to approach as marriage, but it’s not something you want on the trial run of a new relationship. For instance, on a previous first date, I remember making a joke about George W. Bush, thinking that enough time had passed and enough people had done so that it was acceptable. Instantly, however, I learned how sensitive some people could be about “the third most effective president we’ve ever had” (his words, not mine). And while it was probably for the best that I found this out about him on the first date, I wouldn’t recommend the path for others.
The third and final entry on the current (but ever-growing) list is something that I would have never thought would have to be put in a collection of this nature: do NOT burp and blow it in your date’s face. Yes, you read that correctly. For this particular line item, I wish I were making it up. I wish I could say that I’ve never had a date where the other took a big swig of his beer, wiped his mouth, belched like a Medieval King and blew it across the table into my face. When it happened, I was so shell-shocked that I wasn’t even able to get upset. It was more that my jaw fell slightly open, and after my eyebrows were finished sizzling from the stench, I was simply dumbfounded. Needless to say we didn’t stay and order dessert.
