It's hard to forget how hard Spongebob Squarepants worked on his essay to pass driving school. At first, all he could come up with was 'the'. But once the ideas came at him, he was coming up with things that you shouldn't do at a stoplight like crazy.
So, here is the 2016 version of Spongebob's essay.
1. Make a Lunchable pizza
Although it's absolutely worth it to try, that cheese will spill over and there's no way that during the time of sitting at a red light could you possibly make the perfect cheesy, saucy, pepperoni mini pizza. It isn't worth risking dropping the cheese...
2. Dance burlesque
Your jam might come on the radio while you're driving around town, but if you let yourself feel the music and start dancing to "I Took A Pill in Ibiza" by Mike Posner, the scene around you will transform into a burlesque lounge and the inner Christina Aguilera in you breaks free and all of a sudden you're dropping out of school, quitting your job, and when that light turns green, you're driving to Los Angeles to pursue your dance career.
3. Catch up on Fuller House
Although it may not beat the original Full House, the Fuller family on the new Netflix show can suck you into family life and you'll never want the episode to end. You'll think you're in your living room and not in a vehicle stopped at a red light. It's worth the wait.
4. Play the bongos
You just purchased new bongos from the local Meijer. Sure, they're not top notch quality, but they're top notch quality when you're banging on them at a stoplight. Feel the beat. But not too much, because the light is only red for a minute or two.
5. Recreate Van Gogh's 'Starry Night'
You're stopped at the slowest light in town, and you break out a canvas. The paint flows so smoothly over the canvas and it's as if you can hear Van Gogh whispering into your ear, helping you, guiding you. What's that honking? It's utterly distracting and...oh yeah, green isn't just a color, it means go. And it turns out you can't paint very well.
6. Practice the violin
You haven't picked it up in years, but now you think it's a good time to brush up on your skills at the red light. Sure, it's beautiful, but you've gotten so caught up that the light has turned green and gone back to red again...might as well play your whole rendition of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
7. Use your tutorial skills and put your hair in a prom up-do
You're late for a very important date! Better do your hair now, you did spend hours watching tutorial videos all week. Who waits until they're in their vehicle at a stoplight to do their hair? Apparently you, and apparently the driver behind you likes your hair, they've been honking and yelling for a minute now..
8. Create a John Cena meme
They make you laugh, they make you cry, they make you feel. Why? Because JOHN CENA. And if somebody starts honking at you, you solve the problem with John Cena.
9. Shop on Target.com
Target is a trap, even their website. It sucks you in and it's as if you're in a whole other world. Deals, sales, and BOGO discounts? This light is not nearly long enough, you pull over for a few.
10. Teach your dog how to drive
I love those car rides with my dog where his ears are blowing in the wind. I bet he'd love to drive the car, this red light is the perfect chance, isn't it? Whelp, we've got to take advantage of it, Gary.
11. Text
I bet you didn't expect this last one to be serious. Most people say "it's safe to text at a red light, I'm not moving." False. Although you may not be in motion, any time you are on your phone you are distracted. You could miss when the light turned green, you could confuse sounds on the radio for an oncoming emergency vehicle and not make an attempt to move over. Texting at a red light is considered texting and driving. Keep your phone away when you're operating a vehicle to ensure your full attention is on what's most important: the road.
If you do any of these things listed above at a red light, your license probably looks like this:
