For nearly every lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, transgender or questioning person, one of the scariest realities is realizing that some day you are going to have to take the steps toward coming out to your family, friends and maybe even your colleagues. For some, the scariest part of it all is coming out to your parents. You know, those people who created you, gave you life, provided everything you could’ve ever hoped for and then some, and have had the biggest dreams for you before they even knew you were going to exist. No one wants to feel like they’re about to disappoint their parents in telling them that they simply love someone. If you’re a parent and your son or daughter comes out to you, here’s a list of things of what you shouldn’t say:

What did I do wrong?

You did nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing. Someone’s sexuality isn’t a result of right or wrong parenting. If anything, you should feel proud that not only has your kid decided that they are finally able to open up to you about this, but that you’ve taught them to love and that they have found love in another human being.

It’s just a phase.

Sorry mom and dad, but it’s not just a phase. As much as you want to believe that your little girl is going to walk down the aisle to the man of her dreams, sometimes that little girl wants to walk down the aisle to the woman of her dreams. It’s not just a phase and that’s OK.

But I want grandchildren...

Well OK, good thing I’m just gay and not dead. Plenty of LGBT families adopt children and provide quality parenting throughout that child’s lifetime. Even more so, nowadays LGBT families are able to have their own biological children through means of artificial insemination and sperm donation. You’re still going to have grandchildren providing that your kid wants to have kids.

Who is the boy/girl in the relationship?

It doesn’t work like that. It never works like that. Though a gay guy may be more feminine or a lesbian may be more masculine, that doesn’t mean that one or the other is the “woman” or “man” in the relationship. That’s like asking a pair of chopsticks which one is the fork in the relationship.

Does this mean you aren’t (insert religion here)?

No, no it doesn’t. I’m still very much Christian and I still very much believe in God, Jesus, and the whole works. This doesn’t change who I am as a person or the beliefs that I have had from a young age. Same goes for any other type of religion.

How did you decide?

I didn’t decide, I just am. It’s not like I woke up one day and decided to join another minority group. I didn’t think “Hm, today I am going to try to make my life harder and like a girl!” It just was. It’s how my biology was hardwired.

It’s important to remember that your kid coming to you about their sexuality should never be met with ultimatums, threats or anything other than a positive reaction. It’s OK to be confused and it’s OK to ask questions, but first and foremost your kid just wants to know that they are loved unconditionally... even if that means they like their same sex. They aren’t choosing to date the same sex in spite of you.