Let me paint you a picture of what is going on in the mind of someone that lives with depression. It’s really dark, really foggy, all over the place, and ultimately really scary. This is something I’m going to say that no one else wants to say. This is going to be the truth about what it’s like living with depression, by somebody who battles with it every single day.
I hate this, and I know everyone who deals with it, isn’t too fond of it. You can come back from a beautiful vacation, and still find 10 reasons why you shouldn’t be happy. You come up with all of these scenarios in your head of events that didn’t and most likely won’t conspire. Why? Because you know you don’t deserve anything good happening to you.
Of course, depression and anxiety are two different things. But my depression has lead to my anxiety. These scenarios, the talking myself down, has lead to the trouble breathing, feeling hazy, feeling like you are drowning in your thoughts that leads to you physically wanting to drown yourself.
Let us not dare mention what it is like to live with depression as a college student. You already hate yourself but now your teachers, tuition, and the fact that absolutely any little thing can ruin your chances of graduating, make you feel as if there is no point. That’s another thing...What’s the point? What is the point to deal with everything. Why do I have to deal with people who I would take a bullet for, but wouldn’t do the same for me? Why must I find a flaw in every single person when all I want is to be surrounded by love and support. That is all I want. The reality is, nobody wants to feel this way. Nobody wants to wake up everyday with the thought that someone is going to ruin their mood, something bad is going to happen, or worst of all, hating yourself.
Depression makes you want to die. THERE. I SAID IT. Depression makes you want to kill yourself. Depression makes you feel like you shouldn’t be alive because no one cares if you are or not. Depression makes you dread waking up every single morning because you feel like there is no point anymore.
What I hate most about living with depression is trying to fight it. I try to fight the urge to hurt myself, I try to fight the urge of feeling either really numb, or flooded with emotions that I can’t stop. I hate the fact that I try to do everything in my power to better myself and make a life for myself, but my depression stops me from that.
Living with depression is serious, and it is NOT something to just brush off. And even though I have been flooded with emotions while writing this, I do want to say that everyone battling this is a fighter. Keep fighting, because your life is so precious. No one wants to feel this way, but know that there is always somebody who cares about you.
SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE: 1-800-273-8255
