I will preface this article by saying that it is a rambling mess. It is stream-of-consciousness at its best. It's the words that came to my mind and my fingers typed out. It's about the most honest, truthful article that I've ever written. Technically, it could be interpreted as the infamous senioritis. But is it really senioritis when it's been the same cycle over and over again since eighth grade? I don't believe so.

What I need right now is that thing that some people get and call it a "life-changing, motivational" thing. The thing that when someone asks them "what keeps you going?" or "how are you able to always persist throughout any and everything?" they are able to just spit out in some grandiose self-discovery story kind of way.

The "I went to downtown Atlanta and saw all the people who are homeless and it was in that moment that I truly learned to appreciate what I have" and "I was reading a book for school and stumbled upon a quote that completely changed my life for the better" stories. Cliche as it may be, I NEED one of them right about now.

Whether it be from a song, a book, a lecture, a PowerPoint in school about derivatives, or an overheard conversation in Target, I need the moment that will be my "fall back on" moment. I need it so that when I'm feeling lazy, I can think about it and get right up to start on what I need to, whether it be math or science or even something as simple as emptying the dishwasher.

I don't have one of those, and as I sit here- not doing the overwhelming amount of homework that I do have plenty of time to complete and still make it to bed on time if I were to just start- I can't help but wish for it. I wish that I could read something or witness something that would make me never want to stop. That would turn my laziness into motivation, my procrastination into effort, and my lack of will to do into a lack of will to stop.

I don't feel lost; no, rather I feel without a way. I've been lucky enough over the years to have discovered my passions and pursued them to where my career goals haven't faltered since I boldly declared them back in the eighth grade. I've added on to my "declared" path since then, yes, but for the most part, it has been left unaltered. It's been nice, not having to scramble to figure out what colleges to apply to and what I want to major in and all the "self-discovery" nonsense that a senior in high school generally feels pressured to do. I appreciate my luck in finding my loves early on.

What I don't appreciate is that in order to get to college and actually get a start on my future, I have to finish what I've started here in high school. What is required for me to finish is that I must force myself to start the smaller things like the math packet that is staring at me or the book I've left partially finished that is yearning to just be picked back up. I'm not yearning to pick it up by any means, but it wants attention, let me tell you.

I have had plenty of opportunities recently to finish the book I need to finish but haven't. More than I can count, even. However, anytime I have time on my hands, I convince myself that I'll have plenty of time later on and I should just do something right then that brings me pleasure in the present. Even though people have told it to me over and over, the whole "if you do it now, you'll have more free time later" spiel, I still don't do it! I waste countless precious moments doing random crap. It's nonsense what I spend my free time doing, time that could be used to get the required stuff done. In fact, this whole article is a big procrastination effort. I have a book sitting next to half open that I should be reading instead of typing this up!

I can manage my time well, believe it or not, based on what I've said so far. It's the will to manage it that stumps me. I need that moment.

I know what I want to do, so you'd think I'd have the will to do it! But I don't! What is wrong with me that I can't use the 30 minutes of free time that I have doing something productive? I know that I cannot go into college like this, and if I don't start changing my habits now, then when?

I have been stuck in a motivational funk for 4.5 years and despite trying so hard to get out of it, I simply can't. I'm tired of can't. I want can. I really do, more than anything. I know that I can, but I can't. Does that make sense? No! Of course, it does not.

I need my motivation back.

Simple as that.

How do I get it?