In my own words, I want to describe my battle with anxiety.
My anxiety used to be the pounding in the chest, restless legs where I need to sit in boiling hot water in my ex boyfriends bathtub at 4am. My legs shaking profusely while driving where I need to pull over because I can't step on the breaks correctly.
Sometimes it made me very prone to depression, where I could be walking down the grocery store aisle and just start tearing up, with no expression in my face. And as I stared straight to the end of the aisle, letting the tears roll down as if they were invited to hydrate my face, I would get worried of letting myself feel whatever it was that I was supposed to feel, so I would quickly wipe them off, and go on. But now my anxiety is playing some really tough tricks in my head.
It's like a dark thing is trying to take control of my mind and has been for years. Like I've mentioned before, I wouldn't let depression touch me and I knew it was something I didn't want to feel. So I would deal with the physical changes, whether it be restless legs sitting in striking hot water, or pulling over so my damn legs would stop freaking tf out, or wiping my face and rejoining with my mom in the frozen food section.
And yes, from what you've read elsewhere, we don't know why the hell we're so worried, or why we feel anxious. Most of the time I want to figure it out, because it does feel so very underlying that maybe I am lying to myself, and maybe I am not okay and I need to let these dark emotions come out so that I do know what the hell is wrong.
Sometimes when it has been a while where nothing bad has happened, I get this annoying feeling again. It's like I feel some kind of guilt to myself for practicing good emotions and not enough bad emotions.
There's this deepness inside of me, though, that is greater than what's sharing it's space with the darkness inside, that makes sure to shine brighter and makes sure it radiates past my skin, showing through my real emotions and my real happiness I share with the others around me. It shines so bright that it pushes me to know I am stronger than my anxiety. Stronger than anything trying to break me down because I know that only I have the power to break myself down. But it's still there, and it will never go away.
I do take medication. I just started about a year ago. It has helped me never get to the point where I feel my chest caving in, or my legs shaking uncontrollably anymore. I do doze off, but it's very hard for me to cry. To cry about anything, to be honest. The only time I can cry is when I am crying of happy tears, like watching America's Got Talent auditions and Simon pushes the golden buzzer. Sometimes it makes me feel angry for not being able to feel things lately. I don't know for sure if my head is clear, because my anxiety is untouched. I know it's there, because my thoughts are still there. But I can't feel anything, and I really don't know if I am making the best decisions for myself or if it's a fake "I am happy now" stunt. Or... maybe that's just the anxiety itself talking.
The only thing that can save me right now, is another story. I need another story, another start. Something new, someone new, to make me feel sad all over again. To make me feel love and to be loved, all over again.
True happiness, to me, comes from a little sadness, otherwise it's all fake and played out. I need to feel angry about something. I need to feel jealous, I need to break down and get back up. I feel so stagnant, I feel lost. I feel like I am longing for something that I have been running away from for forever and a decade. I will probably never post this because I am rambling on about shit that doesn't make sense and makes me want to throw up.
Anxiety is different for everyone. Completely different for everyone, actually. This is just how my anxiety works. I've seen first hand what anxiety is like for someone who acts upon their anxiety with complete anger and destruction.
I've also seen someone with major anxiety be completely known for someone who doesn't stop complaining and whining. Anxiety can also lead people to severe depression, someone who doesn't like talking whatsoever. Anxiety is different for everyone.
