I unfortunately stumbled into an abusive relationship when I was 16, and then again at 17, and then again at 18, and then again at 19. It was tough to break the cycle because that's all I knew. Love to me started sweet and gentle, but soon turned mean and rough the second "I love you" was exchanged. Love was panic attacks and being scared half to death because no one knew about the people I dated. I was too afraid to speak out about what was going on because it was scary to think about what would happen to me if they found out. Life was a guessing game and walking on eggshells to make sure I didn't do the "wrong" thing.
Every one started the same and ended the same. They would love me, use me, abuse me, and then leave me when they reduced me to the lowest I've ever been. Then the next person would see this fragile girl who had so much love to give and decided that she was the perfect target for their own manipulative behavior. I have dealt with unimaginable horrors at the hand of these people without there ever being a single mark on my body. The scars run deeper than that. Emotional and mental abuse were how they battered and bruised me in ways that have changed me forever.
When I was 16 I learned how to say "I'm sorry" for everything. If it was my fault I needed to be sorry, and if it wasn't, it was still my fault. To this day I still apologize for everything I do or say that I think is "wrong." It has caused numerous fights with people around me because they just couldn't stand the constant apologizing. It has put me in this odd place where I want to be strong and assert myself, but instantly retract the second I do so. I have become such an unsure person because I have been trained to be sorry for existing.
When I was 17 I learned to watch my mouth because my loose lips caused me to be "wrong." I dated someone who would give me the silent treatment the second I said something they didn't like. Instantly I had to start thinking about what I was going to say way before I said it. It became a game of carefully selecting my words and learning how to best phrase my sentences. I started the terrible habit of thinking about what I was saying instead of listening to what others are trying to tell me. To this day I still have this issue and I constantly have to have people repeat what they have said so I can understand them. I have become someone who needs to repeat what I want to say over and over in my head like I'm rehearsing a script for a play.
When I was 18 I learned to only get affection and love on the weekends. I wasn't good enough to be seen any other day but Saturdays and some Sundays. I allowed myself to settle for only a few hours a week of their time. My self-esteem dropped as I convinced myself that I wasn't worth constant love and attention. Unfortunately I learned to be a second choice. It was better to be second then not be a choice at all, I guessed. During that time I dissolved into the background and shied away from my friends. I had to be quiet and wait my turn if I wanted to be loved.
At 19 I learned that panic attacks meant love. I dated someone who made panic run through my veins constantly. There wasn't a second I wasn't on the verge of having a panic attack. We dated for three months and broke up six times, I was a walking zombie. Constantly crying and on edge because any second could bring a violent breakup. I learned to always overthink every move I made because I didn't want them to leave me. I couldn't be alone. Looking back, I have no memory of specific details of that time, just lots of panicking.
At 20 I am here still standing. The past four years have left an everlasting imprint on me that I don't think I'll ever shake. I have been forever altered. Thankfully I'm in love with the most wonderful person who will never say mean things to me. I have made it out of those four relationships, but so many people never make it out of their abusive relationships. It's not so easy as just leaving. There is so much trained control and fear at work that it's not as simple as letting go. Even if you do, as you can see, the relationships still stick with you long after they're over.
