“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.” Colossian 3: 19, KJV

Among the many things that I learned while on my trip to Africa this summer is that being a Christian does not mean you are a good person, nor does it make you a better person. It also does not mean you do everything better than other people. You’d be surprised at how many “unchristian” things people do in a country centered around Christianity, and where all that everybody ever talks about is what Christians do.

Going to Burundi, I knew I would be faced with a lot of things I did not like and did not agree with. Starting from back here at home, my father said we couldn’t braid our hair because people back there wear their hair natural. I shrugged it off and refused to comply with his demands. If I do it here why can’t I do it there? How does my hair have anything to do with my being Christian? But I was raised like that; raised with being told what is right and what is wrong, what I can say, what I can’t say, what I can do and what I can’t do, what I can wear and what I can’t wear, where I can go and where I can’t go. How to sit, how to talk, how to behave in front of people. So many things that I never questioned, but simply went along with. It’s being a good Christian, they would say.

Among the many things I was taught not to do were swearing, lying, insulting others and fighting. I was taught that I must love all people equally as the Bible taught us, but the one thing my parents always stressed, especially when I began to kind of disagree with them, was that the Bible says that children must obey their parents. Arriving in Africa, I understood this to be a very central part of the culture--children respected and obeyed their parents, up to the point where they were forced to live in the same house with an abusive father who constantly physically abused their mother and even tried to sexually abuse them. This was the reality that my cousins, whom I never knew existed before and whom, when I first saw them, looked like normal kids, lived in. I had heard stories about men beating their wives and raping their children, but I never thought it would be happening within my family, one that always stressed obedience and respect by quoting the same verse, but instead always ignored the verse right before, Colossians 3:19.

Why? I wondered. Why were these Christians who were always trying to portray themselves being kind to all, loving all, respecting all, doing this to each other inside their homes? Why were they treating their wives and children this way when the Bible clearly states otherwise? And why did they act like it wasn’t happening? The women kept quiet and stayed in the house as they followed another verse that restricted them to live in the house of men who only followed the Bible to their benefits. “Women, respect and submit to your husbands, even if your life is in danger, even if he beats you every day, even if he is threatening the well-being of your children, respect and submit to him.” While this is what the Bible says, it also says that a man should not be doing any of these to his wife.

I was amazed at this hypocrisy. In fact, sadly, while some people think that Muslim women are being treated harshly and unfairly, based on Muslim religious practices, the Muslim couples looked so much happier. They would stand next to each other and laugh while telling stories. The husband respected the wife and the wife respected the husband. They looked more in love than the Christian couples and they had less problems within their household. And yet, “being a Christian is better”.

The social structure of the Burundian culture, one centered around Christianity, has made it impossible for women to leave abusive husbands. Divorce is looked down upon, the women are ridiculed and there is nowhere to go if that were to happen. Driving in a car one day, my sister and I tried to advise one of my mother’s cousins who was living with an abusive and drunkard husband whom she could not leave. The most messed up part of her situation is that she was the sole provider of the household. She bought the house and took care of her husband. She had a child and a stable job--yet, she could not leave.

It doesn’t make sense that while your husband is beating you every day, your community is watching and you’re forced to stay. The society isn’t forcing these women to stay through laws; these women stay because they feel that without husbands, they will be nothing. But also, they probably grew up being told, “The husband is always right, submit to him in everything.” They probably grew up being told that marriage is what they should thrive for and that they are nothing without a husband. They are probably made to feel like the cause of the problems and that they can fix everything if they stay. But why do they stay when nothing changes, especially when the decision to be married isn’t theirs to begin with? My sister and I advised her to sell her house, take her child during the night and take a bus deep into the city where he won’t find her and where she could start a new life. She laughed and said we don’t know what we were talking about.

I, thankfully, was raised with parents who taught to be like they are, and I liked being like them because they are good in my eyes, not because they are Christians but because they are just good. I grew up in a quiet home, almost always happy, always lively. Followed the scriptures, kept to myself. I expected other Christian homes to be as such. (What a big disappointment.) But, somewhere among the quiet days in my house, my parents and I would go back and forth when it came to the topic of marriage. I told my mother I would not marry any man who does not respect me and the things that I do. She told me I didn’t have a choice. I told her that I actually do. I, unlike my aunts and cousins, know that I, as a person capable of doing as much as any men, should be respected and treated like I deserve. I know that somebody who doesn’t love me isn’t worth spending time with. I know that it’s not always my fault that another person is angry. And I know that I can leave.

Many people live their lives trying to be perfect Christians. They preach to others and boost about the revelations they have seen in God. They go around telling others what to do and what not to do. They present themselves to be pure through their appearance and their deeds to others. Yet, they are suffering in their houses. They are suffering the consequences of a belief that has directly pitted the men against the women, where the man knows best and uses Christianity to justify his actions against the woman, yet he does not follow the whole scripture. But the women are too scared to say or do anything. It begs the questions, what is being a good Christian when you don’t do what you preach to others? Who is a Christian when the non-Christians follow the scripture more than we do? Here’s another verse to sum it up:

“You see that a person is considered righteous by what they do and not by faith alone.” James 2:24, NIV