Every time I go on Facebook lately, I see this challenge. “.. 6 years later. Be careful who you bully. Since October is bullying awareness month, post two pictures of yourself, one old and one recent and watch how many people react to the transformation. Copy this to your status!” Today, I decided to join the movement and do it. I posted these two photos:
I received comments from two of my friends. One saying “The Miss Long Island sash adds so much power to this!!” and the other; “One of the strongest people I know.” Now, I’ve never ever thought of myself as ‘strong’. Confident, outgoing, friendly, bubbly; sure. But never strong. So this got me thinking, how did I get to this point? How did this awkward, gangly looking girl with never-ending pigtails, who always had her nose buried in a book get to this girl I am today? How did she become a pageant girl; able to represent the entirety of Long Island and confidently compete in a national pageant? How did I become this strong, independent girl? Well, we’ll figure that out together.
When I was younger, I was always the weird girl who was picked last for everything. I preferred (and still prefer) teachers to assign groups, rather than have us pick our own because I was always chosen last. I was pretty quiet all throughout school (elementary and middle and high school), but only while in class. Outside of the building, I was loud and talkative. People didn’t believe me when I said that once they got to know me, they wished I were quiet. My face was too long, and my ears were too big. I was always picking at my fingernails or at my desk, and I always had at least two books with me every day, no matter where I was going. I brought Harry Potter to camp and sat by the fence in elementary school at recess and would read, rather than play. I didn’t fit in. As I got older, around middle school, I was more interested in finishing whatever book I was reading at the time than flirting or going out. I had ADHD, and I was different.
Sophomore year was where I started to really find my place in the world. I got involved in NCSY, an Orthodox Jewish youth group. I met some of my best friends, and over the next two years, would become much more self-confident and sure of myself. When I was at an NCSY event, I could be myself. I didn’t have to worry about not fitting in because I felt safe. I felt loved and I felt like I was at home. I went to Israel for the first time in my life for an entire month, with a bus full of strangers. That month was one of the best experiences of my life, to this day. It was incredible and definitely life-changing, in so many ways. I still consider NCSY to be my second family, even though I’m now part of NCSY alumni. The summer after sophomore year was the summer I competed in National American Miss for the first time. I was a junior teen but in the last age of junior teen. I registered for all the optional contests, besides top model and Spokesmodel. I competed in actress, casual wear modeling and photogenic. I won a participation trophy, but I had such an amazing weekend with my new NAMily that I knew I wanted to continue. Little did I know that four years later, I would be representing Long Island at the national pageant? My second year competing was my first year in the teen division. Again, I won a participation trophy and that’s it. In 2014, I finally made the top ten, as well as winning Miss Personality and 4th runner up for Top Model. Finally, I competed in my last year in the teen division, summer 2015. I stood on the state stage for the last time as a contestant and smiled brightly when I received my top ten rose. I won first place in actress and top model and won second runner-up in Spokesmodel. I didn’t make the top 5, but I had become a different girl throughout the four years earlier.
While all this was happening, so much else was going on in my life between 2012 and this past summer. In junior year, I dealt with Hurricane Sandy hitting my town hard, at the same time that my parents were going through a separation. All the while, living out of my house for 10 months, I had to study for the ACT’s and SAT’s, and take both of them all while my parents were getting separated and my house was being rebuilt. A year later, I graduated high school and started my life at Pace University, which is where a huge chunk of my story begins.
Freshman year, I entered Pace as a lost little freshman, excited to start everything. I settled in, and I was fine. I started my education classes and started volunteering at Jacob burns Film Center’s media arts lab to fulfill my fieldwork hours. Since my first day freshman year, I’ve changed a lot. I’ve become best friends with members of fraternities and sororities, acted in a play called SLUT and become extremely passionate about victim shaming and sexual assault awareness, was in a second play, become involved in Future Educators Association and held multiple leadership roles around campus. I’ve been a chair for Relay for Life and was one of two people to put together Relay for Life 2015. I’ve accepted my ADHD as a tiny blip on the radar that might be a little more annoying at times, but it’s a part of me and I can’t change that. I’m still awkward af, but I embrace and accept that as well. I still read all the time, and would often rather hide in my room, coloring and watching Netflix than socialize, but I’ve come a long way from that awkward little girl with the pigtails. I’ve found my friends, and where I belong. At least, for now.
So when I think back to what my friend said, about me being one of the strongest people he knows, I can’t help but agree. I may not always realize it, but I am a strong person. I am confident. I am awesome. I am friendly. I am bubbly. I am introverted. I am extroverted. I am a future teacher. I am awkward. I am me. And I am strong.
