From an outsider's perspective, your life might not be that bad. Many people will ask you what you're sad about, or why you don't feel like going out. For people who don't know what it is like to live with a mental illness, they perceive you as being overdramatic or overemotional. What people don't understand is that depression is not something you can just talk yourself out of, in most cases.
As someone who has been living with depression continually for four years, it is not something you can just ease yourself out of by convincing yourself that everything is okay. Being sad every once in a while does not mean that you're depressed, but the crippling sadness and anxiety that looms over you at any given moment on any given day is the depression I'm talking about.
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Sometimes you wake up and you're already crying and you have no idea why. You try to tell yourself that maybe you had a bad dream, but you can't recall one. Sometimes you look in the mirror and hate everything you see, but you are too worn out to do anything about it. Sometimes you look at the amount of work you have and know that it all needs to get done, but you continue to procrastinate.
There are some days where you can tell that you are dragging your feet or are walking slowly, and as you walk there is a sad song that plays in your head. There are some days where you open the kitchen cabinet in your apartment, stare in for a few seconds, and then tears begin to surface out of nowhere.
Occasionally, you will ride the bus and glance out of the window and see a happy couple sharing a moment and it creates a fire in you, and not the good kind. It enrages you to the point of tears. Rather than being happy for them, it brought you nothing but utter disgust. You may sit down in a coffee shop and notice a group of friends chatting and having a grand time, but instead, you glare at them and continue with what you were doing. Instead of being grateful that people in the coffee shop are enjoying themselves, you are bitter that you are sitting there alone. Although you have friends that you could call and people who would gladly want to spend time with you, you sit there and sulk and insist that you just want to be alone.
As someone who has taken antidepressants and anxiety medication over the last few years, I would just like to say that personally, it does work. I never thought it worked, or at least I hadn't noticed it working, until recently. I have been off of my medication for the last two weeks because I have not been able to afford it with my current financial situation while in college. I haven't thought anything of them because I did not think that they worked much anyway. This past week, I started to notice a change in my attitude. Lethargy, anxiety, crying spells, binge eating that leads to an upset stomach later in the evening, fatigue... need I go on? It finally hit me after a week of these symptoms.
Some say that medication is not necessary to overcome depression, anxiety or any other mental illness. I suggest you let your doctor tell you what is best for you, not just someone who doesn't believe in medication. I have spent a lot of my time listening to family and friends who tell me to just go exercise or just to talk myself out of being so sad. It does not work that way. I can't wake up in the morning and stop the tears from flowing and magically tell myself that everything is fine. Most of the time, I don't know why I'm crying or why I feel so anxious. There does not always have to be a reason.
Living with depression can be one of the most exhausting factors of someone's life. It seems as if a grey cloud is always hanging over you no matter where you go, what you do or who you see.
If you or someone you know is struggling with depression or another mental illness, go to Half of Us or the National Alliance on Mental Illness for more information.
Please remember, you are loved.
