Note: These experiences are my own and I acknowledge that not everyone dealing with depression may see the same symptoms or intensity.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, depression is an illness that affects approximately 30 percent of college students.
We all have a general idea of how it affects people: sadness, loss of interest in things, and anxiety. For a lot of people, these feelings come and go like the tides -- some event happens that brings forth negative emotions, they last a few days, and then disappear when a positive thing occurs.
For people like me, those negative emotions linger for dangerously long periods of time. They weigh me down, change my entire mood and personality, and make me want to shut my brain off completely.
I am almost 22. I am preparing to graduate in December. I have surrounded myself with people who radiate happiness. While there are many things to be excited about, I just do not have the ability to celebrate any them.
I cannot remember when my ailment first came about. All I know is that many factors contribute to the development and manifestation of my depression.
It affects my ability to do school work. I've always been one of those people who knew exactly what I wanted out of life. I always knew how to get there. It is extremely easy to get overwhelmed when you're taking five classes, juggling two jobs and outside activities like organizations and maintaining a social life. Depression makes it a constant struggle to even function normally. There is a barrier that goes up when I know that I have a task to complete but cannot find the motivation or sense to care about it. It is a struggle to sit and focus on what is in front of me because I just want to sleep even though I slept for 14 hours the night before. Feelings of worthlessness often accompany these barriers. What if, no matter how hard I try, I am still unable to accomplish my goals? What if I am simply not good enough because it has always been that way? Even if peers and professionals constantly reassure me that I am destined for success, I cannot bring myself to believe them.
It affects my personality. I have always been known by my peers as someone who is friendly and enthusiastic in everything I do. Because of my illness, I no longer have the desire to pursue friendships or dating. I do not go into work as my usual, cheerful self. I used to be someone who enjoyed simple conversations and knowing about people's lives. Now I am overwhelmingly irritable to the point where I cannot stand someone who cannot stand to be near others (which is extremely hard since I work at a theme park). I lose my temper disgustingly fast and cannot seem to let the negativity of the moment pass. I lost interest in many of the things I used to enjoy. Even simple things like watching Netflix or seeing marching bands perform is a hassle. When depression becomes a hovering cloud, all positive emotions seem to be overpowered. I am in college.
It affects my physical state. Chronic headaches are not fun. It gets even worse when it is impossible to create a normal sleep schedule. Falling asleep becomes increasingly difficult and staying asleep is even harder. Waking up every hour is painful to someone who loves sleep more than anything. When I do not get enough sleep, I feel sick and dizzy throughout my day, craving a bed where I can take a five-hour long nap. Then there are nights where I fall asleep like an old person and stay asleep for the next 15 hours. Body aches become more intense and that contributes to the irritability. It is a vicious cycle.
Of course there are professionals who specialize in making people like myself better. When I finally had the courage to speak to someone, there was a wave of relief. It was a tiny wave, but a wave nonetheless.
Now, if youare someone dealing with depression, know that there are many resources for you. Campuses have counseling centers and there are multiple numbers you can call if you just need to speak up. It takes a certain kind of bravery to acknowledge that there is something seriously wrong, and that there are steps necessary to getting healthy again.