***Trigger Warning this article contains detailed information about my experience with living with anxiety, if this is triggering in any way, shape or form please don't read ahead***
Anxiety can be a controversial and triggering topic. It is typically described as a serious mental health condition that can cause panic attacks and excessive worrying. It’s a serious, mental condition. Yet why is it thrown around so commonly in casual conversations?
Anxiety unlike it is portrayed in movies or shows, is actually a big deal. To several people anxiety is a common, daily thing. If one is nervous about going to class, they tend to think that they are anxious, when they could possibly be just nervous.
Even the word “anxious” is thrown around so regularly that it loses its validity. Anxiety is easily overlooked due to this fact, it can be such a casual thing.
Every time someone says it casually, it loses the actual meaning of the word. Same is true with the “I’m SO anxious about ____” thing. This is a bad thing seeing as how when those who suffer attempt to reach out for help, it can simply get shrugged off.
Especially seeing as though EVERYONE gets nervous sometimes. When I told someone, I had anxiety at first, their response was just a simple “Oh I understand, I get nervous too!” Which is one of the worst things someone could say in response. Stop taking these clinical disorders and turning them into everyday words, it’s hurting the people that actually suffer.
Living with anxiety is a god-awful feeling majority of the time. It is more than a simple “I’m anxious over this one silly little thing!” This is mainly because suffering from anxiety can give one the inability to do most seemingly normal things. Anxiety isn’t just nervous ticks like nail biting or picking at your fingers, absentmindedly. It isn’t just tapping a desk, bouncing your legs up and down, or fiddling with things. It’s the bone-crippling anxiousness that involves most social interactions, simple or not.
This article is about me living with anxiety and my constant state of being, maybe you could relate to it or not. Anxiety is no walk in the park. It’s about shoving the constant little fears to the back of my mind and trying to live a normal life. But the shoving the emotions away is only temporary, as the thoughts will come back. They always do.
Breathe deeply, in for ten seconds, out for ten seconds, push the thoughts away only to have them come right back and repeat the cycle. Eat a mint or chew some gum to alleviate the emotions, only for them to still linger. Drink water to calm yourself down, only to feel sick, like throwing up shortly after.
Don’t eat because it will make you feel sick, eat and you will feel sick. Careful, they are watching you eat, and they are judging you. Don’t eat, watch what you eat because you’re trying to cope with the anxiety.
Plan meals around your anxiety level for the day. Eat because you're stressed immensely, or don’t depending on how you feel that day. This isn’t the healthiest thing in the world to do, but it helps level your anxiety to a certain degree, so there’s that.
It’s about leaving your house and getting afraid to talk to people in public, it’s the constant fear of being judged by how you look, what you wear, how you carry yourself. Because let’s face it, it’s so easy to formulate an opinion on someone you see, just based on their general, outward appearance.
I run late constantly, due to the fact of changing outfits a million times, trying to give off the right vibes to others and convincing myself that I can do this. Anxiety is making plans with people and cancels the day off because you can’t handle the idea of doing said thing, no matter how fun it sounded at first.
Talking to someone in public makes you feel like you just ran a marathon, because of how physically drained you feel from one conversation. It makes you walk in longer distances to avoid being in a conversation with someone, it’s fearing that your phone will turn off and you have nothing else to hide behind to get out of a simple conversation.
It doesn’t even have to be social anxiety, just generalized anxiety is enough. The constant jittery, self-conscious feeling everywhere you go and with everything you do. There are things you can and cannot do, as well as things you cannot wear. I cannot wear tight clothing, or anything tight around my neck as it gives me the illusion of choking and being exposed.
I tend to wear baggy shirts, shorts, oversized long-sleeved shirts in the dead of summer that hang well over my shorts so I feel like I can hide out. Wearing things that are more covering or bigger, make me feel safer. There’s so much more to anxiety than just the jitters, there are the panic attacks and breakdowns over things that seem very simple.
I can handle going to concerts sometimes, but on the other hand going somewhere that is immensely crowded is impossible at times. Say I’m at a festival downtown where there’s the constant influx of people going every which way and doing everything from speaking loudly to being boisterous. I will feel the pre-panic/anxiety symptoms hit me like a ton of bricks. I will start to eat a mint or fiddle with my ring or shirt sleeve, anything to distract the oncoming anxiety.
Anxiety is common and sometimes expected, whereas panic attacks are not. They can be triggered by anything, but panic attacks are the worst of all. You feel like you cannot breathe and you are being swallowed up in a huge ocean and there’s seemingly no escape. As it starts you lose the ability to feel like you can breathe, your vision blurs, you get a headache and you want to run, but can’t. You feel awful and do your breathing exercises and wait for it to pass, leaving you to feel horrid.
Some days you feel like you can do anything, others you feel awful in a constant state of worry. There are always ups and downs, living with anxiety is being on a constant roller coaster in life. One day you could wake up and feel like you can do it all, why worry or stress because life is great and God is good and everything will be okay. Others you wake up in a state of panic, alarm, and worry. You want nothing more than to stay in bed all day and keep to yourself.
You have a lack of breath and you shake and shiver, feeling as though you’re going to have a heart attack, the overwhelming feeling of doom approaching you. After a bit of time, you’re okay, as it has passed and you just feel straight exhausted. Some days are good and some are bad, you feel like you can do this and anxiety doesn’t have anything on you, but then it comes and wraps around you like a boa constrictor and you're trapped in, as the cycle just repeats itself again and again.
One of the all-time worst things is when you are in public and the worry and anxiety just creeps up on you, out of nowhere. You get this feelings of “no not this again, please go away,” and anxiety does not care. It lingers and doesn’t care about interrupting your daily schedule and your life. This is what can cause you to hide out in the public bathroom, or pull over your car to just sit, cry, worry and try to breathe and get through this so that you can continue your plans, even though it leaves you feeling awful.
Anxiety involves fear and fear about every little thing, to bigger things in life. You fear that your friends aren’t really your friends, that you need to distance yourself from them, yet feel so bad for doing so. You fear that you don’t look good or you look unacceptable. The little fears of doing things wrong or stuttering when talking turns into a snowball effect, as you fear for your future, family and friends, and things you cannot control.
If you think you have anxiety or any other illness, please consult with a doctor before heading to google to self-diagnose. Please confirm that you have such illness before announcing it to the world. There’s a difference between nervous and anxious, between moody and bipolar. It’s always the best thing to see a professional and find out more so that you can get the best treatment possible for you.
Eventually, you will meet people who understand that this is a part of who you are and accept you for it. You will get closer to god throughout this experience, as everything happens for a reason and there’s a plan for everything. You will get help, take things one day at a time, work hard in therapy and with changing things. If you have someone in your life with anxiety, don’t tell them that you understand, it might hurt them more than help them.
I might not fully understand your experience with anxiety, as I don’t fully understand mine. Everyone and their experiences with anxiety are different. The sooner you accept your anxiety, the better off you’ll be- as you find coping mechanisms and people that can help you on your worst days. You can overcome the anxiety, show it who’s boss. It’s always going to be there, but so are you and you can handle it.
