I don't remember a specific day when I started to dislike my body. I always had slight insecurities about my tummy area, but at some point, during my freshman year of college I started to look into the mirror and feel disappointed. I had always eaten a much healthier diet than 90% of the people I knew, so why wasn't I skinny?! There are plenty of people out there who eat like crap and are somehow size 2, I didn't get it. At the same time, I felt I didn't have a good enough reason to be unhappy as I was an average and healthy weight.
The summer after my sophomore year, Skyler and I woke up every single morning at 5am to go work out. I was also doing a practicum at the zoo and walking a lot there, yet I didn't lose a single pound. In August, I decided to do a diet called The Whole 30. Basically, the idea is to cut all carbs and limit fruit intake. For a month I said no to all grains, legumes, dairy, and sugar. I finally lost weight!! I was down 10-15 pounds but towards the end, I noticed my digestion was not the greatest. I ignored that though because I was so happy to have a sort-of flat stomach for once.
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Then, in September, I left for Thailand. At this point, my body was pretty much screaming for all the carbs and I gave it all the carbs. I wouldn't trade my experiences in Thailand for anything, but they meant I pretty much stopped working out and paid no mind to what I ate. In my classes at Mahidol University, and through the handy dandy internet, I learned about the impact meat and dairy have on our environment, so I vowed to be vegan as soon as my feet hit American soil. When I stepped on my scale at home, I saw that I had gained all the weight back that I had lost, but I wasn't too worried. All the vegan girls I followed on Instagram were like size 0-4 and they ate smoothies with 7 bananas in them for breakfast every day! I was sure that being vegan meant being skinny, which meant being happy.
Skyler and I went back to working out in the mornings, and about 6 months into my new vegan lifestyle, I definitely felt better, and my digestion was great, but I was still a size 6-8. This made me hate my body, I didn't understand why I didn't look like the "stereotypical vegan should." I woke up every morning and looked in the mirror, anxious for change, but it wasn't there.
This is when I gave up and just stopped working out altogether.
I gave my body and my mind a rest out of desperation and I'm so glad I did.
At some point during the last two months or so, I began to realize that our bodies are for carrying out activities, not for show. What we do with our bodies is so much more important than how they look. We feed into this lie that our bodies must look fit to be healthy, but it's not true. Health looks different on everyone! When I did the Whole 30, I lost weight, but it was such a strict diet I could barely eat out with friends or enjoy small treats. I sacrificed my mental happiness to be skinny, and it wasn't a sustainable way to live.
"This body of mine, it's not an ornament, It's a vehicle." - Taryn Brumfit
I have decided to put healthy foods into my body, without calorie restriction, and without worry. I have learned that working out religiously or going on crazy diets doesn't make me happy. Embracing who I am makes me happy, even if I have some tummy rolls. I can still be a friend, a wife, a Christian, and someday a mom. I can still fight to save this precious earth, love animals, and spend time in nature. My body does not hinder me from doing what I love, and that is what matters.
"First I wanted to be skinny, then I wanted to be strong, now I just want to be happy."
